Light the Way

I am in a very contemplative mood tonight. I continue to wonder why people do and say the things they do and say. We truly are complex creatures.

My current playlist consists of James Blunt on shuffle. My room is a complete wreck. The temperature in the room is somewhere around a slightly uncomfortable 78 degrees Fahrenheit. Don’t fret for me; I have a fan working overtime to send slightly cool wisps of air my way.

So, back to these train-wrecked thoughts of mine. Will I ever continue on a flowing stream of uninterrupted happiness and calm? No, probably not. Change is the only constant and it is anything but a continuous, calm path. I have to continue to remind myself of this.

I have had so many lovely and wonderful ups lately. They are mostly thanks to a wonderful individual that I sometimes feel as if I’ve known my whole life. However, he is this uncharted region that I very much want to explore, but the thoughts of the unknown terrify me. I am speaking on an assumption, but I feel that it is quite rare to meet someone with whom your soul seems to completely align with. It’s like you’re standing out in the night staring up at the same moon, while you hold the same book in each of your hands. You’re reading the same lines of the book simultaneously from afar and completely unaware that you are doing so until you share with one another. It’s a very rare book that only the two of you seem to know. That’s crazy, right?! It’s crazy wonderful and crazy scary. They say love knows no age. Maybe it knows no time either. I’m going to say it. I might possibly be falling in love with this guy. Of course, that’s our little secret here. You’ll get to witness my heartbreak now if all goes to hell in a hand-basket.

Seriously though, I’m the happiest that I have been since I don’t know when. I have made myself vulnerable and demolished most all of my walls. In a way, I have given him the key to me and said, “take a look around, make yourself at home.” Of course, I’m fearful of the potential havoc he could wreak. One of my biggest fears is being deceived. I have these thoughts of “if it seems too good to be true, then it probably is.” It’s hard to shut those thoughts out. I continue to try though. Do what makes you happy until it doesn’t.

I tell myself myself, “look how far you have already come; look at the things you have dealt with. Look at you! You continue to survive!” It’s true. I’ve been broken down so many times and each time seems to get progressively worse. There have been moments when I felt that was all there was. I wasn’t going to make it out alive this time. I was finally going to be destroyed once and for all, yet here I am. I persevered. I will continue to do so. I can be shattered into millions of pieces, but guess what? I will put myself back together. It’s this special power I have. I don’t always see and understand this in those moments of heartache, but in the end, I always stand back up.

In the meantime, I have to continue to grow for myself. I have to continue to strive for a happy and good life. I still think it’s unhealthy to rest the weight of your happiness on another’s shoulders. Everyone has their own struggles and sometimes, those alone, are too much to bear. There’s is nothing wrong with letting another become the light that brightens your day, but develop your own light. Even the Sun can’t shine in a single place for all of time. You have to be capable of lighting your own way. I am still learning this and trying oh so hard to implement it into action. It’s a struggle.

There are lots of changes that my future is about to take. There are lots of decisions that need to be made. I hope dearly that I make the ones that are right for me. How do I know what the right decision is? I don’t, necessarily. I’m trying to balance my heart and mind and not let too much of one take over. It’s a process. I guess the only thing I can do is to do what I feel is right and is also feasible. I have to stay true to myself and not let my judgement become clouded from fear. Fear will not run my life. I want a life based on love and happiness and spreading those things. Fear just gets in the way.

Here’s to the unknown and the adventures life takes us on.

honestly,
me

One for the Books– A Day to Remember

I am pretty tired, but I want to write about some things while they are very fresh on my mind.

Have you ever met someone that completely changed your life? They didn’t do anything life-changing. They are probably totally unaware that they had the sort of impact on your world that moves mountains, but they changed you.

Today, I met an extraordinary person. We have known each other for a short while, thanks to technology these days. We had a remarkable day exploring a town neither of us was familiar with. We laughed and the conversation flowed like a mountain stream, uninterrupted and so easily. I have been blessed with people throughout my life that I’m thankful to know and have known, but I have never met anyone like this individual. He has the kindest eyes I’ve ever seen. He is so genuine and engaging. I am so very thankful that I got a chance to spend time with him. I will forever cherish this day.

It’s about more than just good conversation and laughs. His presence empowers me. He has breathed into me renewed life. The way he speaks and his compassion for others captivates you. I cannot adequately put into words how incredible he is.

We can never be sure what the future holds. I can only hope that he is someone that will be in my life for a very long time. At the very least, he has given me a memory that I will forever hold dear to my heart.

People come and go in life. It hurts a lot of times when they go, especially if you don’t want to let them go. I strongly believe that everything happens for a reason. You can find beauty in every single situation. There is no exception. I am constantly learning that.

You are not a prison. You can’t contain everything you love in a room and hold it there forever. People are meant to grow and live. You have to learn to cherish the moments you are given and let go of the pain. You cannot regret something that once made you happy just because it no longer brings you happiness. You have to let go. I am one of those people that want to hold onto everything. It is so hard for me to let things and people go. It hurts. It hurts like hell.

Like a caterpillar must go through changes to become a butterfly, we too have to go through changes to become better. It can sometimes be impossible to see in the moment. I have been in that place more times than I can count. I have cursed my life and the choices I have made. I have beat myself down mentally with thoughts of worthlessness and telling myself that I don’t deserve anything.

It’s not true. Everyone is worthy. Everyone deserves the very best. Your mistakes and circumstances do not define you. I’ve said it before, but I can’t say it enough. Do not let the past beat you down. You have to stand back up and face the world head on. Don’t let the world harden you and take your compassion. Don’t let your own fears stifle you.

We live in a world, now, where people are more worried about keeping up with the constant stream of social media as opposed to the people in their very presence. Put down your phones. Interact with people in real life. We all want these beautiful lives and relationships and we’re always searching, constantly searching. Stop searching. Look around you. You could be missing out on something before your very eyes because you’re so caught up in things that don’t matter. Take some time to soak in the life you have been given. How can you make it better? How can you make it richer in things that matter? Stop comparing yourself and your life to the snapshot pieces you see of others. You’re usually only being shown the best parts. Everyone has woes and struggles in life. They are not exempt simply because you are unaware of them.

You have to learn to accept yourself and love yourself unconditionally. You matter and you should never ever let another person make you feel any differently. You should also never tell yourself otherwise. There are going to be people that are going to try and break you. They are going to make you question who you are. You must not let those people break you. You will not be accepted by everyone. It’s just a fact of life. It’s okay. You don’t have to be accepted by everyone. Their views and opinions of you are exactly that, THEIRS! They don’t have to influence your life unless you let them. The way you treat others is a direct reflection on yourself. The same goes for how people treat you; it is a direct reflection on themselves, not you.

I am learning to be more compassionate. I am learning to focus on the things in life that really matter. I am learning every day, and I will continue to do so for the rest of my life. Knowledge is power and when you use that power to better yourself, others, and the world around you it becomes a magnificent place– physically and mentally.

I am so very thankful for the person I have spoken about in this post. He has opened up a world for me that I was unaware was even closed to begin with. I am so very grateful for the life I have been given despite the set of circumstances I have been handed. I will persevere.

honestly,
me

A Full Heart

My heart is full tonight. I spent the evening fishing and enjoy some sunshine with the bestie. I only caught one fish, catch and release, but I had a blast. It was so nice out. I then went and spent some time with a friend that I haven’t seen in a short while. That was nice as well. Overall, it was a great day. It’s a beautiful night. If I weren’t so sleepy and it so late, I’d be inclined to sit outside and soak it in.

My day (that I previously wrote about) got slightly better. I ended up talking with my bestie and spilling my woes. It was good to talk about it. Everyone has bad days. It’s okay to have a bad day. Sometimes you just have to have those days where you don’t do much. You shouldn’t get so down on yourself, like I tend to do. Wake the next day and try to have a better day. Some days all you can do is try.

I’m feeling motivated again about life. I want to try new things and work toward finding a career that I can put my time into. My friend said he’d look over my resume and help me “perfect” it as much as possible. I’m ready to start living. I think I have some new friendships budding. It’s too early to tell, but I’m having an open and hopeful mind. I might get to go to a little festival tomorrow with my bestie and a couple other people. I plan to ride on a motorcycle for the first time Saturday. I’m super nervous but, like I said, I’m trying new things. Sunday, the friend I spent time with tonight and I are wanting to try out a new church. We plan to do that Sunday morning and then go fishing. I’m hoping for a really good weekend. I need to fit some time in to do my free online classes since I’m slightly slacking on those deadlines.

Tonight, I’m thankful for good days and the friendships I have. I’m thankful for days that fill my heart.

honestly,
me

Keep Fighting

I wonder why some days are a struggle as soon as you wake in the morning, before you even open your eyes. I suppose it could have to do greatly with your subconscious… the dreams you had while sleeping even if you don’t recall them. It’s so frustrating though when you’ve been doing really good and focusing on positivity. Then you wake and have to start the day fighting before your feet even hit the ground.

I tell myself it’s all mental. It’s just a test to see if I can hold on or if I’m going to fall back into the hole and have to start my climb out all over again. There are days like today when I recognize these things and I have the strength to continue fighting, to lift my head and say, I will prevail. But what do I do on the days where I wake and the fight is too much, when I feel like I’m fighting an endless battle with no sign of peace?

It’s easy for me to say that I will keep fighting, but I know how it feels to be in that moment and not want to even get out of the bed. You don’t care anymore. It all seems pointless. I also know that those moments pass. I have to make an effort every day to reflect on the moments and find the good in them and let go of the bad. Not only that, but I have to reflect on where I’m at in life and what I’m thankful for, even if it’s not where I want to be. And on those days when the fight is too much, I HAVE to continue to do those things even if I don’t want to, even if I see no point. It is most critical then. I am hoping that by creating positive habits, they will eventually become effortless and part of every day life.

Steel is forged in fire. It all comes down to what you’re made of. It’s not the situation or circumstance that defines you. It’s what you’re made of that says how you will define the situation. Don’t let the world burn you. Let it mold you into something better.

honestly,
me

Coming Together

Today has been a really good day. It was rainy and dreary out, but there were breaks in the weather. My middle brother and I went to the park and swung. It was so much fun. I haven’t done that in years. There was no one there because of the weather. So, we had the place to ourselves. I haven’t spent “real” time with my brother in years. We’ve been around each other, but this was different. It was just he and I laughing and talking. It brought me back to my childhood and it was really nice. He has been “gone” for a really long time and now he’s trying to better himself. I truly hope he’s able to. I miss him, the real him. Change is hard and trying to change bad habits in a not so healthy environment is even harder. I hope he perseveres. My Mom and I are staying the night at my youngest brother’s house tonight. We’re going to watch my niece while he works and his fiancée attends to her plans tomorrow. Speaking of my sweet, little adorable niece. She said my name for the first time today! I was so super excited. I don’t get to see her often so it totally made my day. I played with her a lot and took some videos and pictures of her being cute. She is one of the sweetest kids. She’s happy almost all the time. She eats like a champ and usually goes to bed without any fuss. She is growing like a weed!

I was looking at her tonight and thinking how pure and honest she is, how all children are like that. (She’s one and a half, by the way.) They just want to be loved. They don’t see hate or discriminate. They are love. I wish more people were like that in the world. There would be no judgement. Children really are such precious little things.

On a different note, I’m really proud of myself today. For one, I’ve been able to appreciate my day in the moment and keep my thoughts positive. Two, I’ve kept myself out of drama. There were a couple moments today where I could have stuck my nose in a place that didn’t concern me, and I almost did, but I thought before I spoke and kept my mouth closed. Not every battle is mine. There was also a moment where I could have “gossiped” pointless information just to talk. It was completely unimportant and not necessary for the other party to know. It’s so easy to want to mindlessly share negative information, and today I stopped myself and didn’t. These may seem like minor things, but they are huge to me.

I was reading about forgiveness today and how even a single unforgiven person in your life can be the cause of your destruction and unhappiness. In order to be truly settled, you have to forgive EVERY single person in your life. In a way, forgiveness is really a “selfish” act. You don’t have to condone what the other person has done to you, but you can forgive them for yourself. By not forgiving them, you give them control over you every single time you are revisited by how they hurt you. Take that control back by letting them go and letting the pain they caused you go.

The book I was reading also talked about how you should forgive yourself. Forgive yourself for everything you’ve done. You can’t move forward with your life if you continue to visit all the reasons why you aren’t worthy of having a successful / happy life. It was quite insightful to say the least. If you’re having problems with forgiveness in your life and you want to overcome them, then please let me know. I am no expert, by any means, but I can point you to a resource that is really helping me. Plus, I don’t mind being an extra set of ears if you need some. Don’t let the people that hurt or wronged you for whatever reason continue to have control over your life. If you’re like me, don’t stand in your own way of success either. I don’t mean to preach. I just wanted to share some things that really stuck with me from my reading.

honestly,
me

Thankful– A Boring Day

Tonight, I reconnected with a friend of mine and it made me really happy. I went from having a somewhat down in the dumps day to feeling pretty good about this day. It’s all about perspective and I’m still trying so very hard to have a positive outlook more times than not. I wish I would have appreciated this day more in the moment as opposed to at the very end of it. Nothing extravagant happened and I was relatively bored. Now that I’m reflecting on my day, I see the significance of this boring day.

Here’s how it went:  I woke up and went to work with my Dad for a bit. That included riding around with him and checking on some jobs and such. We also had to pick some things up from Home Depot and I scratched my hands all to heck on some type of wiring. I spent the rest of the day at my Grandma’s, with my Dad, in front of the TV and on my computer. We grabbed some Dairy Queen for dinner.

Doesn’t sound like a really interesting day, right? That’s correct in some ways, but here’s why I’m thankful for this boring day. I got to spend some time with my Dad. Granted a lot of it was spent not really talking and us doing our own thing, but we were in each other’s presence nevertheless. I live out of state and don’t see my family as often as I’d like or should. Every moment that I’m able to spend with them is important. One day, I’m going to look back on these boring days and wish I could give all the money in the world just to have a sliver of that moment back. I pray that day is a long, long time from now.

I’m laying here on my Grandma’s couch with her little doggy beside me. Crickets are playing in the background and all else is silent except for the clicking of my keyboard. It’s the wee hours of the morning and I should be sound asleep, but I’m really soaking in how thankful I am. Just a few hours ago I was feeling melancholy all because I couldn’t get out of my head. Now, I’m overwhelmingly thankful for the same reasons I was bored earlier. Forgive me if I’m repetitive. I am a wee bit tired.

If I could have you take something from this post, it would be to live in the moment. Appreciate each and every thing even if it seems uneventful. Life is all about perspective. It reminds me of the example of going back in the future in movies and such. You have to make sure to stay on the path and not move off for even the slightest moment. If you were to harm even one tiny little insignificant mosquito, you could alter the entire future for the whole of humanity. Moments that seem irrelevant now could become some of your most significant memories later in life. So, make them all count.

honestly,
me