Heartbroken

Are you a lover or a fighter? People ask this question all the time. I’ve always responded, “I’m a lover,” but am I not both? A true lover is a fighter because they never give up. The world tries to break you. People try to break you. And most of the time it’s not even personal. Most everyone is just doing what they can to get by and survive. Most people don’t even know what the hell they are doing. But if you truly love with all you have, you fight because you bear the hardest struggles because you care. A world without love is a treacherous place. People without love are sad beings with no hope. We are strong. We are capable.

Not every question has an answer. Not every problem has a solution. Truth isn’t the meaning of life; love is. Don’t get me wrong, I choose an honest life and I think everyone should. Honestly is ALWAYS the best policy. You can’t be your true self unless you can be honest and accept who you really are, even the deepest, darkest parts of yourself. I know, that is an impossibly scary thing for a lot of people. Would I like to have the answer to everything? Yes, of course. Is that necessarily possible in my lifetime or any of ours? Probably not.

Love, at is highest peak, is when someone can look you in the face and say they don’t want you and you still recognize your own self worth. “If there is no enemy within, the enemy outside can do no harm.” I believe this with every ounce of my being. Sure it hurts. Rejection hurts like hell. Many of people’s biggest fears are centered around rejection and being alone. In return, people “break their own hearts” and turn and run so a person can’t leave them. Can’t you see it’s still the same outcome? You’re still alone. Who wants to spend their whole life running so no one leaves you? No one, yet so many people do because of fear. At some point, you have to say, “I am not afraid. My fears do not control me,” and you have to constantly instill that within. We’re only human. The sad truth is that people do walk away, if not because they choose to, because death takes them.

Let me get personal for a moment. My heart was just completely broken. I’ve barely eaten or done anything the past few days. I haven’t been able to let myself even listen to music or write. I have felt so completely lost and just broken and empty. I have cried and tried to pick apart every little thing wrong with me. I have felt worthless and hated myself. I saw my whole life with this person. I looked into his eyes and I felt love without him even having to say it. I thought he was my person. I thought he felt the same, and maybe he did for a short while. I won’t get into the details, but he doesn’t want me or us anymore. I’ve begged and pleaded and did everything that I could think to get him to give me reasons why or change his mind. He mostly shut down and didn’t give me much. He’s not a cruel person. Sure he hasn’t handled things the right way, but he has his own demons (fears) that he’s fighting, and maybe he really thinks he gave me all that he could. I don’t know why he’s choosing to do what he’s doing, but he is. I can’t force him to love me or be with me. I may never understand the why. It sucks feeling so deeply that he and I are perfect for one another and that we could have this incredible life together, but having it all taken away without even a reason that I can comprehend. I can’t change it though. It is what it is.

It hurts, but I can’t just lay down and die. I am capable of a love that I never even imagined. I don’t want to be sad and miserable. I have to tell myself that if I could experience that type of love and it not even be meant for me then imagine how great the love that is meant for me will be. It’s hard to do when I saw everything I wanted in him and more and I still feel that way, but there’s nothing I can do if he still walks away after me pouring my heart out to him. I have to go on and persevere. I am strong. I am smart. I am beautiful. I am worthy. I am capable. I am not afraid to live life to the fullest that I can, even if it’s really hard at this very moment to get up and do so. I don’t know what I want to do with my life, but I know I want to spread kindness and love and never harbor hate in my heart.

I’m struggling. My heart is still so broken. The tears keep falling. I feel stronger today. I hope that I wake up feeling stronger tomorrow and even stronger the next day. Only time will tell, but I’m not giving up. The pain will not control me. The fears will not own me. I am not afraid. I am not afraid. I am not afraid.

honestly,
me

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Struggling

My eyes are like a leaky faucet that I can’t seem to fix today. I got back home yesterday from visiting with family. I had a conversation with my friend on the way home and was so pumped about the ways I am trying to change my life for the better. Most of those ways start mentally and by changing my way of thinking to a more positive one. I preached and preached how I was different now. I was going to be able to get my life in order, so to speak, because now I had the positive mentality behind it. I told her that I knew I would still have bad days and times where I fell backward, but now I recognized those times and I would persevere.

Today is a hard day. Why, you might ask. I simply woke up this way. I know I made another post similar to this just days ago, but here I am again. It is so hard. I have tears streaming down my face and I’m so frustrated. It’s so simple, right? Just be better. Get up and do something. Make yourself feel better. I preach these same things to other people in the same situation, but here I am and it’s not so easy. I know it’s mental. I recognize the situation. I am also so drained mentally and physically today.

I’m running through a list in my head of things that I could be doing: updating my resume and putting it online, organizing my room, and the list goes on for days. I could update my resume without even getting out of bed. So, why is it so hard? I don’t have the answer to that question and I am so frustrated. I tried writing in my journal (I’m trying to utilize it more instead of typing in a private one on the computer), but I didn’t have much to say. I started reading my current self-help book, but then I decided I was going to come here and write about my frustrations. I don’t want to only post the positive highs here and leave out my lows. It wouldn’t be genuine. I want you to know that I fail too. Just because you think you have a foolproof idea doesn’t mean there aren’t holes in it. Part of life is making mistakes and being able to own up to them. Part of life is being able to admit your failures, or at least recognize them and move forward.

Sometimes you recognize all you have to be thankful for in life. I don’t want to lay here and be upset today. I know my life could be so much worse, but I can’t seem to find the energy today. I think more than anything, I’m just frustrated with myself because the concept of just choosing to do something and be happy seems so simple. Just do. And I can’t seem to do it.

This is where I am at this point in my day. I plan to read some more in my book and then I’m not sure after that. I’m hoping that I will have some positivity to add later, even if it’s a simple, I persevered. If you’ve had some of the same struggles and have any advice that helped you, I’m open to suggestions. I know everyone takes information in differently and different things work for different people, but it could be helpful.

honestly,
me

Keep Fighting

I wonder why some days are a struggle as soon as you wake in the morning, before you even open your eyes. I suppose it could have to do greatly with your subconscious… the dreams you had while sleeping even if you don’t recall them. It’s so frustrating though when you’ve been doing really good and focusing on positivity. Then you wake and have to start the day fighting before your feet even hit the ground.

I tell myself it’s all mental. It’s just a test to see if I can hold on or if I’m going to fall back into the hole and have to start my climb out all over again. There are days like today when I recognize these things and I have the strength to continue fighting, to lift my head and say, I will prevail. But what do I do on the days where I wake and the fight is too much, when I feel like I’m fighting an endless battle with no sign of peace?

It’s easy for me to say that I will keep fighting, but I know how it feels to be in that moment and not want to even get out of the bed. You don’t care anymore. It all seems pointless. I also know that those moments pass. I have to make an effort every day to reflect on the moments and find the good in them and let go of the bad. Not only that, but I have to reflect on where I’m at in life and what I’m thankful for, even if it’s not where I want to be. And on those days when the fight is too much, I HAVE to continue to do those things even if I don’t want to, even if I see no point. It is most critical then. I am hoping that by creating positive habits, they will eventually become effortless and part of every day life.

Steel is forged in fire. It all comes down to what you’re made of. It’s not the situation or circumstance that defines you. It’s what you’re made of that says how you will define the situation. Don’t let the world burn you. Let it mold you into something better.

honestly,
me

Hello world!

As I stare at this blank screen, while lounging in sweats, I wonder what I should tell you about myself. I glance out the glass doors to a dimly lit grassy incline as the TV drones on in the background mixed with my Dad’s snoring. I’ve attempted so many blogs for various reasons, but I never seem to stick with them. I want this one to be different. I want this to be a place that I can be honest with myself and anyone who reads. That means things might not always be pretty. It also means that I’m opening myself up to criticism from complete strangers. People can be cruel and I wonder if opening myself up like this is a smart idea especially when I am constantly changing every minute of every day. Nevertheless, I’m doing it.

This blog is going to be a mix of everything from poetry to photographs to a basic journal of my life. I am currently reading a book titled, Change Your Thinking, Change Your Life by Brian Tracy. I am only a few chapters in, but man is it powerful! I have been going through a lot of emotional turmoil recently because of everything from failed relationships to being unemployed. I have felt more hopeless lately than I ever remember feeling in my life. It blows my mind how much my own thoughts can impact my world. Just because you’re presented with an unfortunate or unwanted circumstance, that doesn’t mean you have to let it ruin your day, month, or life. I’ll be the first to admit that my emotions usually rule my life. They dictate how my day goes and how well I sleep at night or not. It impacts the way I treat others. Recently, those things have been impacted negatively and I don’t like it. I don’t like who I am when I let my emotions rule me. Instead of wallowing in bed going unshowered for days, I’m tryinug to make an actual effort to change my life for the better. It may seem like I’m raving for this book, but that’s not the case. I had been making an unconscious effort to block the negativity from my life. I was laying in bed last night and couldn’t sleep. I had this book on my phone and the title caught my attention so I started reading. It’s like you’ve been on a road for miles and miles feeling like you’re going in the right direction but not completely sure, and then you see a sign that tells you you’re on the right path. I’ll keep you updated on my thoughts of the book and, of course, my progress.

I must also state that I really need to work on my personal relationships, family being a big one. I seem to shut them out because I don’t want them to worry about me and I can come off in a very negative way. I don’t want there to be tension with the most important people in my life and I, but surprisingly those are my hardest relationships. I am going to make them a priority to repair.

I am also trying to stop mindless gossip and being judgemental even in playful ways. I never want to hurt someone. I never want someone to feel less because of something I said or did. I know I can’t please everyone, but I don’t want to intentionally bring harm when I can help it. I have been at the wrong end of gossip and it really hurts and is extremely uncomfortable. Every single person on this planet has their own struggles. It’s time we start helping one another stand as opposed to knocking each other down.

This may seem a little heavy for a first, ‘Hello world!’, post but this is what’s on my mind. So, here’s some background information about me:

  • College graduate –> BAB in International Business
  • Currently unemployed for like 1.5 months (Ahh! I have no idea what I am doing or what I want to do)
  • I love nature and almost all bodies of water (ocean being my fave)
  • I write poetry (An English teacher would probably slash through my writings with lots of red ink)
  • I like taking pictures
  • Writing and reading are huge hobbies of mine
  • Besides the book previously stated, I’m also reading the Stephanie Plum series
  • I’m terrified of snakes and storms, but enjoy a peaceful rain
  • Country music will always be my fave even though I dabble in almost all genres
  • I would love to travel the world and see as much as possible
  • Costa Rica is the only other country I’ve been to besides the USA
  • I really want more GENUINE friendships. That area of my life is really lacking. If you would like to help me change that then please, by all means. I just ask you be real and honest. I’ll do the same.
  • I am shy and socially awkward
  • I think this world needs more love and kindness

If there’s anything else you would like to know, then please feel free to ask. I’ll answer anything I feel comfortable with. Join me in trying to make this a happier, better world filled with kindness and love.

honestly,
me