New Beginnings

It’s well after midnight. The house is still except for my fan droning on in the background. I have been a ball of emotions lately, and that probably speaks as to why I am up so late. Sleep has not been finding me easily because my brain is on overdrive. So much in my life has changed recently that I don’t even know where to begin. Not so long ago I was a woman so lost in life. I had lost hope and sight of so many things that had been rooted in my very core. I’ve spent so many nights cursing the world and the gods and my own mind as I cried into my tear stained pillows.

I began this journey of self love and positivity. It’s not always easy, but even in this short amount of time, it has changed me for the better. I no longer feel like this weak little girl afraid of the world, but like a strong woman ready to embrace the future and whatever it may hold. I am so very happy that I have stayed and continue to stay true to myself. Confidence really is beautiful. It says that you have faith in yourself and that you are capable. Confidence doesn’t mean that you don’t doubt yourself at times or that you aren’t afraid of failure. It says that you won’t let fear stop you from achieving the things you set out to achieve. It says you aren’t afraid to try.

I want to reiterate how very proud I am of my brothers. One is leading, what I consider to be a very successful life, with the woman he loves and my beautiful and smart little niece. That darling child has brought so much joy to our lives. He is one of the best fathers that I know. My other brother is overcoming struggles that he has faced for quite some time now. He is persevering in spite of the statistics and odds stacked against him. I think there have been times where he has felt like the runt of the litter, so to speak, but I dare say he might be the strongest out of us if he continues on this path of perseverance.

I have been honest and vulnerable thus far on this blog and I want to continue to do so. I know that by doing so, I continue to open myself up to the possibility of negativity and backlash, but if there is one person that reads what I have to say and it positively affects their life in some way then it’s worth it to me. I have spoken of a wonderful man recently. He and I have spent real, quality time together and we have made some decisions. First, we completely and utterly adore one another. I genuinely cannot adequately put into words the way we feel about one another or the way we make each other feel. It is beyond extraordinary.

Ever since I was a little girl, the main thing I wanted in life was extraordinary love. Love is my passion in life. I want others to feel it and I want to spread it, if only at the very basic level of kindness. I have had relationships over the years that were good, solid relationships, but I always felt like something was missing from them and I could never place my finger on it. Over time, I began to feel like there was something wrong with me and that I had these unrealistic expectations. I thought that maybe I was the one that was incapable of love. Then came the time where I gave up on love. I only sought out relationships in the form of friendship and I started focusing completely on bettering myself. Then comes this person completely out of the blue and my heart says, “I know.”

I never fully understood the concept of “when you know, you know.” I have questioned multiple people saying, “but what do you mean by that. How do I know that I know?” They respond, “you’ll just know.” It used to frustrate me beyond words. Honestly, I didn’t believe it. Then I met him, and I just know. I can’t explain it to you. I can’t tell you why. It just is. Trust me, coming from a person who was once a non-believer of the know, you won’t question whether or not you know when it happens. You can try and question it, understand it, reason with yourself and validate your feelings, but deep down you’ll know.

With that being said, I’m taking a leap. I’m moving approximately 6 hours away to be with him and he’s choosing to not move 10 hours away to go back home. I’m making this move in a little over a week! We have made arrangements. We’re both young, relatively speaking, and at a point in our lives where we can go or do anything that we want. We are choosing to move forward together in the same direction. Have we known each other a short time? Yes. Does it matter? No. Are we aware of the risks and potential for failure? Yes. Does that change our minds? No. I know that not everyone will agree with our decision and some people will think we are completely insane, and it’s okay. I have to do what is right for me. I am the only person that gets to live my life. Every mistake, every accomplishment, every failure, every success is going to be because of a decision I have made. That’s something I can live with. Risks are called risks for a reason. There is uncertainty and unpredictability involved, but if you don’t take some risks then you’ll never truly know the greatness that can be obtained or achieved. Surprisingly, or not, the vast majority of the people in our lives are supportive and happy for us. If you could hear and see the way we talk about one another, then you would understand why.

The main thing I want you to take from the overload of personal information is to do what is best for you. I do think that you should follow your heart, but take your brain with you. Make informed decisions. Always stay true to yourself and you will persevere. You have in you more strength than you are aware that you’re capable of. Have faith.

I will be extremely busy preparing for the move this week. I am already in the process of packing and cleaning and getting my affairs in order. I will be meeting his grandparents for the first time when I make the move. The following day, we will make a 10 hour drive or so to his parents’ house (so he can pick up some belongings) and I will be meeting them for the first time. Once we’re back and settled, I’ll be in active job search mode. I am most nervous about those initial meet and greets though. It’s such a short time away. I feel like I should have some type of gift that says “thank you for welcoming me into your home”  for the grandparents and the parents, but I have no idea what to get. I’ve searched and searching online, hoping to find something that piqued my interest but I haven’t had much luck. I don’t want to get anything elaborate or expensive, just something simple and thoughtful. If you have any suggestions at all, please share them with me. 

I plan to keep you all updated on my journey and I plan to stay focused on being a positive person and spreading that positivity. Kindness is something that I fully promote, as well. Here’s to this crazy adventure that I am about to embark on and the beginning of a new chapter in my life, and here’s to you and taking your own risks in life and accomplishing goals.

honestly,
me

Advertisements

Light the Way

I am in a very contemplative mood tonight. I continue to wonder why people do and say the things they do and say. We truly are complex creatures.

My current playlist consists of James Blunt on shuffle. My room is a complete wreck. The temperature in the room is somewhere around a slightly uncomfortable 78 degrees Fahrenheit. Don’t fret for me; I have a fan working overtime to send slightly cool wisps of air my way.

So, back to these train-wrecked thoughts of mine. Will I ever continue on a flowing stream of uninterrupted happiness and calm? No, probably not. Change is the only constant and it is anything but a continuous, calm path. I have to continue to remind myself of this.

I have had so many lovely and wonderful ups lately. They are mostly thanks to a wonderful individual that I sometimes feel as if I’ve known my whole life. However, he is this uncharted region that I very much want to explore, but the thoughts of the unknown terrify me. I am speaking on an assumption, but I feel that it is quite rare to meet someone with whom your soul seems to completely align with. It’s like you’re standing out in the night staring up at the same moon, while you hold the same book in each of your hands. You’re reading the same lines of the book simultaneously from afar and completely unaware that you are doing so until you share with one another. It’s a very rare book that only the two of you seem to know. That’s crazy, right?! It’s crazy wonderful and crazy scary. They say love knows no age. Maybe it knows no time either. I’m going to say it. I might possibly be falling in love with this guy. Of course, that’s our little secret here. You’ll get to witness my heartbreak now if all goes to hell in a hand-basket.

Seriously though, I’m the happiest that I have been since I don’t know when. I have made myself vulnerable and demolished most all of my walls. In a way, I have given him the key to me and said, “take a look around, make yourself at home.” Of course, I’m fearful of the potential havoc he could wreak. One of my biggest fears is being deceived. I have these thoughts of “if it seems too good to be true, then it probably is.” It’s hard to shut those thoughts out. I continue to try though. Do what makes you happy until it doesn’t.

I tell myself myself, “look how far you have already come; look at the things you have dealt with. Look at you! You continue to survive!” It’s true. I’ve been broken down so many times and each time seems to get progressively worse. There have been moments when I felt that was all there was. I wasn’t going to make it out alive this time. I was finally going to be destroyed once and for all, yet here I am. I persevered. I will continue to do so. I can be shattered into millions of pieces, but guess what? I will put myself back together. It’s this special power I have. I don’t always see and understand this in those moments of heartache, but in the end, I always stand back up.

In the meantime, I have to continue to grow for myself. I have to continue to strive for a happy and good life. I still think it’s unhealthy to rest the weight of your happiness on another’s shoulders. Everyone has their own struggles and sometimes, those alone, are too much to bear. There’s is nothing wrong with letting another become the light that brightens your day, but develop your own light. Even the Sun can’t shine in a single place for all of time. You have to be capable of lighting your own way. I am still learning this and trying oh so hard to implement it into action. It’s a struggle.

There are lots of changes that my future is about to take. There are lots of decisions that need to be made. I hope dearly that I make the ones that are right for me. How do I know what the right decision is? I don’t, necessarily. I’m trying to balance my heart and mind and not let too much of one take over. It’s a process. I guess the only thing I can do is to do what I feel is right and is also feasible. I have to stay true to myself and not let my judgement become clouded from fear. Fear will not run my life. I want a life based on love and happiness and spreading those things. Fear just gets in the way.

Here’s to the unknown and the adventures life takes us on.

honestly,
me

One for the Books– A Day to Remember

I am pretty tired, but I want to write about some things while they are very fresh on my mind.

Have you ever met someone that completely changed your life? They didn’t do anything life-changing. They are probably totally unaware that they had the sort of impact on your world that moves mountains, but they changed you.

Today, I met an extraordinary person. We have known each other for a short while, thanks to technology these days. We had a remarkable day exploring a town neither of us was familiar with. We laughed and the conversation flowed like a mountain stream, uninterrupted and so easily. I have been blessed with people throughout my life that I’m thankful to know and have known, but I have never met anyone like this individual. He has the kindest eyes I’ve ever seen. He is so genuine and engaging. I am so very thankful that I got a chance to spend time with him. I will forever cherish this day.

It’s about more than just good conversation and laughs. His presence empowers me. He has breathed into me renewed life. The way he speaks and his compassion for others captivates you. I cannot adequately put into words how incredible he is.

We can never be sure what the future holds. I can only hope that he is someone that will be in my life for a very long time. At the very least, he has given me a memory that I will forever hold dear to my heart.

People come and go in life. It hurts a lot of times when they go, especially if you don’t want to let them go. I strongly believe that everything happens for a reason. You can find beauty in every single situation. There is no exception. I am constantly learning that.

You are not a prison. You can’t contain everything you love in a room and hold it there forever. People are meant to grow and live. You have to learn to cherish the moments you are given and let go of the pain. You cannot regret something that once made you happy just because it no longer brings you happiness. You have to let go. I am one of those people that want to hold onto everything. It is so hard for me to let things and people go. It hurts. It hurts like hell.

Like a caterpillar must go through changes to become a butterfly, we too have to go through changes to become better. It can sometimes be impossible to see in the moment. I have been in that place more times than I can count. I have cursed my life and the choices I have made. I have beat myself down mentally with thoughts of worthlessness and telling myself that I don’t deserve anything.

It’s not true. Everyone is worthy. Everyone deserves the very best. Your mistakes and circumstances do not define you. I’ve said it before, but I can’t say it enough. Do not let the past beat you down. You have to stand back up and face the world head on. Don’t let the world harden you and take your compassion. Don’t let your own fears stifle you.

We live in a world, now, where people are more worried about keeping up with the constant stream of social media as opposed to the people in their very presence. Put down your phones. Interact with people in real life. We all want these beautiful lives and relationships and we’re always searching, constantly searching. Stop searching. Look around you. You could be missing out on something before your very eyes because you’re so caught up in things that don’t matter. Take some time to soak in the life you have been given. How can you make it better? How can you make it richer in things that matter? Stop comparing yourself and your life to the snapshot pieces you see of others. You’re usually only being shown the best parts. Everyone has woes and struggles in life. They are not exempt simply because you are unaware of them.

You have to learn to accept yourself and love yourself unconditionally. You matter and you should never ever let another person make you feel any differently. You should also never tell yourself otherwise. There are going to be people that are going to try and break you. They are going to make you question who you are. You must not let those people break you. You will not be accepted by everyone. It’s just a fact of life. It’s okay. You don’t have to be accepted by everyone. Their views and opinions of you are exactly that, THEIRS! They don’t have to influence your life unless you let them. The way you treat others is a direct reflection on yourself. The same goes for how people treat you; it is a direct reflection on themselves, not you.

I am learning to be more compassionate. I am learning to focus on the things in life that really matter. I am learning every day, and I will continue to do so for the rest of my life. Knowledge is power and when you use that power to better yourself, others, and the world around you it becomes a magnificent place– physically and mentally.

I am so very thankful for the person I have spoken about in this post. He has opened up a world for me that I was unaware was even closed to begin with. I am so very grateful for the life I have been given despite the set of circumstances I have been handed. I will persevere.

honestly,
me