Heartbroken

Are you a lover or a fighter? People ask this question all the time. I’ve always responded, “I’m a lover,” but am I not both? A true lover is a fighter because they never give up. The world tries to break you. People try to break you. And most of the time it’s not even personal. Most everyone is just doing what they can to get by and survive. Most people don’t even know what the hell they are doing. But if you truly love with all you have, you fight because you bear the hardest struggles because you care. A world without love is a treacherous place. People without love are sad beings with no hope. We are strong. We are capable.

Not every question has an answer. Not every problem has a solution. Truth isn’t the meaning of life; love is. Don’t get me wrong, I choose an honest life and I think everyone should. Honestly is ALWAYS the best policy. You can’t be your true self unless you can be honest and accept who you really are, even the deepest, darkest parts of yourself. I know, that is an impossibly scary thing for a lot of people. Would I like to have the answer to everything? Yes, of course. Is that necessarily possible in my lifetime or any of ours? Probably not.

Love, at is highest peak, is when someone can look you in the face and say they don’t want you and you still recognize your own self worth. “If there is no enemy within, the enemy outside can do no harm.” I believe this with every ounce of my being. Sure it hurts. Rejection hurts like hell. Many of people’s biggest fears are centered around rejection and being alone. In return, people “break their own hearts” and turn and run so a person can’t leave them. Can’t you see it’s still the same outcome? You’re still alone. Who wants to spend their whole life running so no one leaves you? No one, yet so many people do because of fear. At some point, you have to say, “I am not afraid. My fears do not control me,” and you have to constantly instill that within. We’re only human. The sad truth is that people do walk away, if not because they choose to, because death takes them.

Let me get personal for a moment. My heart was just completely broken. I’ve barely eaten or done anything the past few days. I haven’t been able to let myself even listen to music or write. I have felt so completely lost and just broken and empty. I have cried and tried to pick apart every little thing wrong with me. I have felt worthless and hated myself. I saw my whole life with this person. I looked into his eyes and I felt love without him even having to say it. I thought he was my person. I thought he felt the same, and maybe he did for a short while. I won’t get into the details, but he doesn’t want me or us anymore. I’ve begged and pleaded and did everything that I could think to get him to give me reasons why or change his mind. He mostly shut down and didn’t give me much. He’s not a cruel person. Sure he hasn’t handled things the right way, but he has his own demons (fears) that he’s fighting, and maybe he really thinks he gave me all that he could. I don’t know why he’s choosing to do what he’s doing, but he is. I can’t force him to love me or be with me. I may never understand the why. It sucks feeling so deeply that he and I are perfect for one another and that we could have this incredible life together, but having it all taken away without even a reason that I can comprehend. I can’t change it though. It is what it is.

It hurts, but I can’t just lay down and die. I am capable of a love that I never even imagined. I don’t want to be sad and miserable. I have to tell myself that if I could experience that type of love and it not even be meant for me then imagine how great the love that is meant for me will be. It’s hard to do when I saw everything I wanted in him and more and I still feel that way, but there’s nothing I can do if he still walks away after me pouring my heart out to him. I have to go on and persevere. I am strong. I am smart. I am beautiful. I am worthy. I am capable. I am not afraid to live life to the fullest that I can, even if it’s really hard at this very moment to get up and do so. I don’t know what I want to do with my life, but I know I want to spread kindness and love and never harbor hate in my heart.

I’m struggling. My heart is still so broken. The tears keep falling. I feel stronger today. I hope that I wake up feeling stronger tomorrow and even stronger the next day. Only time will tell, but I’m not giving up. The pain will not control me. The fears will not own me. I am not afraid. I am not afraid. I am not afraid.

honestly,
me

Advertisements

New Beginnings

It’s well after midnight. The house is still except for my fan droning on in the background. I have been a ball of emotions lately, and that probably speaks as to why I am up so late. Sleep has not been finding me easily because my brain is on overdrive. So much in my life has changed recently that I don’t even know where to begin. Not so long ago I was a woman so lost in life. I had lost hope and sight of so many things that had been rooted in my very core. I’ve spent so many nights cursing the world and the gods and my own mind as I cried into my tear stained pillows.

I began this journey of self love and positivity. It’s not always easy, but even in this short amount of time, it has changed me for the better. I no longer feel like this weak little girl afraid of the world, but like a strong woman ready to embrace the future and whatever it may hold. I am so very happy that I have stayed and continue to stay true to myself. Confidence really is beautiful. It says that you have faith in yourself and that you are capable. Confidence doesn’t mean that you don’t doubt yourself at times or that you aren’t afraid of failure. It says that you won’t let fear stop you from achieving the things you set out to achieve. It says you aren’t afraid to try.

I want to reiterate how very proud I am of my brothers. One is leading, what I consider to be a very successful life, with the woman he loves and my beautiful and smart little niece. That darling child has brought so much joy to our lives. He is one of the best fathers that I know. My other brother is overcoming struggles that he has faced for quite some time now. He is persevering in spite of the statistics and odds stacked against him. I think there have been times where he has felt like the runt of the litter, so to speak, but I dare say he might be the strongest out of us if he continues on this path of perseverance.

I have been honest and vulnerable thus far on this blog and I want to continue to do so. I know that by doing so, I continue to open myself up to the possibility of negativity and backlash, but if there is one person that reads what I have to say and it positively affects their life in some way then it’s worth it to me. I have spoken of a wonderful man recently. He and I have spent real, quality time together and we have made some decisions. First, we completely and utterly adore one another. I genuinely cannot adequately put into words the way we feel about one another or the way we make each other feel. It is beyond extraordinary.

Ever since I was a little girl, the main thing I wanted in life was extraordinary love. Love is my passion in life. I want others to feel it and I want to spread it, if only at the very basic level of kindness. I have had relationships over the years that were good, solid relationships, but I always felt like something was missing from them and I could never place my finger on it. Over time, I began to feel like there was something wrong with me and that I had these unrealistic expectations. I thought that maybe I was the one that was incapable of love. Then came the time where I gave up on love. I only sought out relationships in the form of friendship and I started focusing completely on bettering myself. Then comes this person completely out of the blue and my heart says, “I know.”

I never fully understood the concept of “when you know, you know.” I have questioned multiple people saying, “but what do you mean by that. How do I know that I know?” They respond, “you’ll just know.” It used to frustrate me beyond words. Honestly, I didn’t believe it. Then I met him, and I just know. I can’t explain it to you. I can’t tell you why. It just is. Trust me, coming from a person who was once a non-believer of the know, you won’t question whether or not you know when it happens. You can try and question it, understand it, reason with yourself and validate your feelings, but deep down you’ll know.

With that being said, I’m taking a leap. I’m moving approximately 6 hours away to be with him and he’s choosing to not move 10 hours away to go back home. I’m making this move in a little over a week! We have made arrangements. We’re both young, relatively speaking, and at a point in our lives where we can go or do anything that we want. We are choosing to move forward together in the same direction. Have we known each other a short time? Yes. Does it matter? No. Are we aware of the risks and potential for failure? Yes. Does that change our minds? No. I know that not everyone will agree with our decision and some people will think we are completely insane, and it’s okay. I have to do what is right for me. I am the only person that gets to live my life. Every mistake, every accomplishment, every failure, every success is going to be because of a decision I have made. That’s something I can live with. Risks are called risks for a reason. There is uncertainty and unpredictability involved, but if you don’t take some risks then you’ll never truly know the greatness that can be obtained or achieved. Surprisingly, or not, the vast majority of the people in our lives are supportive and happy for us. If you could hear and see the way we talk about one another, then you would understand why.

The main thing I want you to take from the overload of personal information is to do what is best for you. I do think that you should follow your heart, but take your brain with you. Make informed decisions. Always stay true to yourself and you will persevere. You have in you more strength than you are aware that you’re capable of. Have faith.

I will be extremely busy preparing for the move this week. I am already in the process of packing and cleaning and getting my affairs in order. I will be meeting his grandparents for the first time when I make the move. The following day, we will make a 10 hour drive or so to his parents’ house (so he can pick up some belongings) and I will be meeting them for the first time. Once we’re back and settled, I’ll be in active job search mode. I am most nervous about those initial meet and greets though. It’s such a short time away. I feel like I should have some type of gift that says “thank you for welcoming me into your home”  for the grandparents and the parents, but I have no idea what to get. I’ve searched and searching online, hoping to find something that piqued my interest but I haven’t had much luck. I don’t want to get anything elaborate or expensive, just something simple and thoughtful. If you have any suggestions at all, please share them with me. 

I plan to keep you all updated on my journey and I plan to stay focused on being a positive person and spreading that positivity. Kindness is something that I fully promote, as well. Here’s to this crazy adventure that I am about to embark on and the beginning of a new chapter in my life, and here’s to you and taking your own risks in life and accomplishing goals.

honestly,
me

I Have to Trust Myself

I have been on an emotional rollercoaster lately. I feel like I am becoming the woman that the little girl me would have been proud of. I don’t have the job and life accomplishments per se, but I am gaining this sense of self like I’ve never had before. I am becoming comfortable in my own skin. I feel like I no longer have to try and fit in with “the crowd” simply to not be alone. Today was a perfect example of me standing on my own. I felt a little alienated from a group of friends. I tried to strike up conversation, but no one seemed to bite the bait and run with it. It really upset me. We did a benefit walk and were walking alongside each other and I was upset. I decided to pick up the pace and actually be by myself. I walked alone. I “inhaled love and exhaled hate” a few times. I recognized why I was there. I was there for a cause. It wasn’t for the friends. I didn’t need them to complete my mission. I didn’t feel anxiety. I was still a little upset, but I felt proud as I held my head high and walked alone. It seems really simply and miniscule, but it can be applied to much bigger things.

Of course, I second guess myself still. However, at the end of the day, I try to tell myself that I am exactly where I need to be. There is no other path I should be on. No matter how good or bad, this is the EXACT moment that I am supposed to be in. It is making me a better person. It really resonates with and calms me. I am learning every day. I may not want a “test” to be thrown my way. Those “tests” make knock me on my ass, but as long as I recognize them and not ignore them, then I am succeeding.

I have had so much anxiety about a very near event in my life. I have been worrying and stressing. I have been crying. I have been writing. I have been begging and pleading to whomever might be “out there.” What it really comes down to is that whatever is meant to happen is going to happen. I cannot control the situation. I cannot try to manipulate the outcome. All I can do is be true to who I am, be comfortable with that truth, and have peace because of it. Things are how they are. I don’t have to justify myself. I don’t have to defend myself. I also don’t have to let someone make me feel bad because of decisions I have made or things that have happened to me, good or bad. People can choose to come and stay in my life or they can choose to leave. I will not lose myself because they choose to leave. I am just as much me before them and during them as I will be after. When they leave, they don’t take my character or integrity.

I read something once that said, “if there is no enemy within, the enemy beyond can do no harm.” If I have true peace within myself, the outside world cannot disrupt that. I have to trust myself and my judgement. I am good. I want to do good. When you truly accept yourself, you no longer need the acceptance of others to validate you. It’s a very empowering and peaceful feeling. I am realizing these things tonight and I am trusting my own intuition.

honestly,
me

One for the Books– A Day to Remember

I am pretty tired, but I want to write about some things while they are very fresh on my mind.

Have you ever met someone that completely changed your life? They didn’t do anything life-changing. They are probably totally unaware that they had the sort of impact on your world that moves mountains, but they changed you.

Today, I met an extraordinary person. We have known each other for a short while, thanks to technology these days. We had a remarkable day exploring a town neither of us was familiar with. We laughed and the conversation flowed like a mountain stream, uninterrupted and so easily. I have been blessed with people throughout my life that I’m thankful to know and have known, but I have never met anyone like this individual. He has the kindest eyes I’ve ever seen. He is so genuine and engaging. I am so very thankful that I got a chance to spend time with him. I will forever cherish this day.

It’s about more than just good conversation and laughs. His presence empowers me. He has breathed into me renewed life. The way he speaks and his compassion for others captivates you. I cannot adequately put into words how incredible he is.

We can never be sure what the future holds. I can only hope that he is someone that will be in my life for a very long time. At the very least, he has given me a memory that I will forever hold dear to my heart.

People come and go in life. It hurts a lot of times when they go, especially if you don’t want to let them go. I strongly believe that everything happens for a reason. You can find beauty in every single situation. There is no exception. I am constantly learning that.

You are not a prison. You can’t contain everything you love in a room and hold it there forever. People are meant to grow and live. You have to learn to cherish the moments you are given and let go of the pain. You cannot regret something that once made you happy just because it no longer brings you happiness. You have to let go. I am one of those people that want to hold onto everything. It is so hard for me to let things and people go. It hurts. It hurts like hell.

Like a caterpillar must go through changes to become a butterfly, we too have to go through changes to become better. It can sometimes be impossible to see in the moment. I have been in that place more times than I can count. I have cursed my life and the choices I have made. I have beat myself down mentally with thoughts of worthlessness and telling myself that I don’t deserve anything.

It’s not true. Everyone is worthy. Everyone deserves the very best. Your mistakes and circumstances do not define you. I’ve said it before, but I can’t say it enough. Do not let the past beat you down. You have to stand back up and face the world head on. Don’t let the world harden you and take your compassion. Don’t let your own fears stifle you.

We live in a world, now, where people are more worried about keeping up with the constant stream of social media as opposed to the people in their very presence. Put down your phones. Interact with people in real life. We all want these beautiful lives and relationships and we’re always searching, constantly searching. Stop searching. Look around you. You could be missing out on something before your very eyes because you’re so caught up in things that don’t matter. Take some time to soak in the life you have been given. How can you make it better? How can you make it richer in things that matter? Stop comparing yourself and your life to the snapshot pieces you see of others. You’re usually only being shown the best parts. Everyone has woes and struggles in life. They are not exempt simply because you are unaware of them.

You have to learn to accept yourself and love yourself unconditionally. You matter and you should never ever let another person make you feel any differently. You should also never tell yourself otherwise. There are going to be people that are going to try and break you. They are going to make you question who you are. You must not let those people break you. You will not be accepted by everyone. It’s just a fact of life. It’s okay. You don’t have to be accepted by everyone. Their views and opinions of you are exactly that, THEIRS! They don’t have to influence your life unless you let them. The way you treat others is a direct reflection on yourself. The same goes for how people treat you; it is a direct reflection on themselves, not you.

I am learning to be more compassionate. I am learning to focus on the things in life that really matter. I am learning every day, and I will continue to do so for the rest of my life. Knowledge is power and when you use that power to better yourself, others, and the world around you it becomes a magnificent place– physically and mentally.

I am so very thankful for the person I have spoken about in this post. He has opened up a world for me that I was unaware was even closed to begin with. I am so very grateful for the life I have been given despite the set of circumstances I have been handed. I will persevere.

honestly,
me

Positive Journal– Collage

I very recently started a journal focused around positivity and bettering myself. Tonight, I decided to pop the cork on a bottle of wine that I’ve had forever– It’s nothing fancy and I didn’t even drink a full glass. Oops— and put some old magazines to use and make a collage. Here’s the finished product from tonight.

honestly,
me

Keep Fighting

I wonder why some days are a struggle as soon as you wake in the morning, before you even open your eyes. I suppose it could have to do greatly with your subconscious… the dreams you had while sleeping even if you don’t recall them. It’s so frustrating though when you’ve been doing really good and focusing on positivity. Then you wake and have to start the day fighting before your feet even hit the ground.

I tell myself it’s all mental. It’s just a test to see if I can hold on or if I’m going to fall back into the hole and have to start my climb out all over again. There are days like today when I recognize these things and I have the strength to continue fighting, to lift my head and say, I will prevail. But what do I do on the days where I wake and the fight is too much, when I feel like I’m fighting an endless battle with no sign of peace?

It’s easy for me to say that I will keep fighting, but I know how it feels to be in that moment and not want to even get out of the bed. You don’t care anymore. It all seems pointless. I also know that those moments pass. I have to make an effort every day to reflect on the moments and find the good in them and let go of the bad. Not only that, but I have to reflect on where I’m at in life and what I’m thankful for, even if it’s not where I want to be. And on those days when the fight is too much, I HAVE to continue to do those things even if I don’t want to, even if I see no point. It is most critical then. I am hoping that by creating positive habits, they will eventually become effortless and part of every day life.

Steel is forged in fire. It all comes down to what you’re made of. It’s not the situation or circumstance that defines you. It’s what you’re made of that says how you will define the situation. Don’t let the world burn you. Let it mold you into something better.

honestly,
me

Hello world!

As I stare at this blank screen, while lounging in sweats, I wonder what I should tell you about myself. I glance out the glass doors to a dimly lit grassy incline as the TV drones on in the background mixed with my Dad’s snoring. I’ve attempted so many blogs for various reasons, but I never seem to stick with them. I want this one to be different. I want this to be a place that I can be honest with myself and anyone who reads. That means things might not always be pretty. It also means that I’m opening myself up to criticism from complete strangers. People can be cruel and I wonder if opening myself up like this is a smart idea especially when I am constantly changing every minute of every day. Nevertheless, I’m doing it.

This blog is going to be a mix of everything from poetry to photographs to a basic journal of my life. I am currently reading a book titled, Change Your Thinking, Change Your Life by Brian Tracy. I am only a few chapters in, but man is it powerful! I have been going through a lot of emotional turmoil recently because of everything from failed relationships to being unemployed. I have felt more hopeless lately than I ever remember feeling in my life. It blows my mind how much my own thoughts can impact my world. Just because you’re presented with an unfortunate or unwanted circumstance, that doesn’t mean you have to let it ruin your day, month, or life. I’ll be the first to admit that my emotions usually rule my life. They dictate how my day goes and how well I sleep at night or not. It impacts the way I treat others. Recently, those things have been impacted negatively and I don’t like it. I don’t like who I am when I let my emotions rule me. Instead of wallowing in bed going unshowered for days, I’m tryinug to make an actual effort to change my life for the better. It may seem like I’m raving for this book, but that’s not the case. I had been making an unconscious effort to block the negativity from my life. I was laying in bed last night and couldn’t sleep. I had this book on my phone and the title caught my attention so I started reading. It’s like you’ve been on a road for miles and miles feeling like you’re going in the right direction but not completely sure, and then you see a sign that tells you you’re on the right path. I’ll keep you updated on my thoughts of the book and, of course, my progress.

I must also state that I really need to work on my personal relationships, family being a big one. I seem to shut them out because I don’t want them to worry about me and I can come off in a very negative way. I don’t want there to be tension with the most important people in my life and I, but surprisingly those are my hardest relationships. I am going to make them a priority to repair.

I am also trying to stop mindless gossip and being judgemental even in playful ways. I never want to hurt someone. I never want someone to feel less because of something I said or did. I know I can’t please everyone, but I don’t want to intentionally bring harm when I can help it. I have been at the wrong end of gossip and it really hurts and is extremely uncomfortable. Every single person on this planet has their own struggles. It’s time we start helping one another stand as opposed to knocking each other down.

This may seem a little heavy for a first, ‘Hello world!’, post but this is what’s on my mind. So, here’s some background information about me:

  • College graduate –> BAB in International Business
  • Currently unemployed for like 1.5 months (Ahh! I have no idea what I am doing or what I want to do)
  • I love nature and almost all bodies of water (ocean being my fave)
  • I write poetry (An English teacher would probably slash through my writings with lots of red ink)
  • I like taking pictures
  • Writing and reading are huge hobbies of mine
  • Besides the book previously stated, I’m also reading the Stephanie Plum series
  • I’m terrified of snakes and storms, but enjoy a peaceful rain
  • Country music will always be my fave even though I dabble in almost all genres
  • I would love to travel the world and see as much as possible
  • Costa Rica is the only other country I’ve been to besides the USA
  • I really want more GENUINE friendships. That area of my life is really lacking. If you would like to help me change that then please, by all means. I just ask you be real and honest. I’ll do the same.
  • I am shy and socially awkward
  • I think this world needs more love and kindness

If there’s anything else you would like to know, then please feel free to ask. I’ll answer anything I feel comfortable with. Join me in trying to make this a happier, better world filled with kindness and love.

honestly,
me