Heartbroken

Are you a lover or a fighter? People ask this question all the time. I’ve always responded, “I’m a lover,” but am I not both? A true lover is a fighter because they never give up. The world tries to break you. People try to break you. And most of the time it’s not even personal. Most everyone is just doing what they can to get by and survive. Most people don’t even know what the hell they are doing. But if you truly love with all you have, you fight because you bear the hardest struggles because you care. A world without love is a treacherous place. People without love are sad beings with no hope. We are strong. We are capable.

Not every question has an answer. Not every problem has a solution. Truth isn’t the meaning of life; love is. Don’t get me wrong, I choose an honest life and I think everyone should. Honestly is ALWAYS the best policy. You can’t be your true self unless you can be honest and accept who you really are, even the deepest, darkest parts of yourself. I know, that is an impossibly scary thing for a lot of people. Would I like to have the answer to everything? Yes, of course. Is that necessarily possible in my lifetime or any of ours? Probably not.

Love, at is highest peak, is when someone can look you in the face and say they don’t want you and you still recognize your own self worth. “If there is no enemy within, the enemy outside can do no harm.” I believe this with every ounce of my being. Sure it hurts. Rejection hurts like hell. Many of people’s biggest fears are centered around rejection and being alone. In return, people “break their own hearts” and turn and run so a person can’t leave them. Can’t you see it’s still the same outcome? You’re still alone. Who wants to spend their whole life running so no one leaves you? No one, yet so many people do because of fear. At some point, you have to say, “I am not afraid. My fears do not control me,” and you have to constantly instill that within. We’re only human. The sad truth is that people do walk away, if not because they choose to, because death takes them.

Let me get personal for a moment. My heart was just completely broken. I’ve barely eaten or done anything the past few days. I haven’t been able to let myself even listen to music or write. I have felt so completely lost and just broken and empty. I have cried and tried to pick apart every little thing wrong with me. I have felt worthless and hated myself. I saw my whole life with this person. I looked into his eyes and I felt love without him even having to say it. I thought he was my person. I thought he felt the same, and maybe he did for a short while. I won’t get into the details, but he doesn’t want me or us anymore. I’ve begged and pleaded and did everything that I could think to get him to give me reasons why or change his mind. He mostly shut down and didn’t give me much. He’s not a cruel person. Sure he hasn’t handled things the right way, but he has his own demons (fears) that he’s fighting, and maybe he really thinks he gave me all that he could. I don’t know why he’s choosing to do what he’s doing, but he is. I can’t force him to love me or be with me. I may never understand the why. It sucks feeling so deeply that he and I are perfect for one another and that we could have this incredible life together, but having it all taken away without even a reason that I can comprehend. I can’t change it though. It is what it is.

It hurts, but I can’t just lay down and die. I am capable of a love that I never even imagined. I don’t want to be sad and miserable. I have to tell myself that if I could experience that type of love and it not even be meant for me then imagine how great the love that is meant for me will be. It’s hard to do when I saw everything I wanted in him and more and I still feel that way, but there’s nothing I can do if he still walks away after me pouring my heart out to him. I have to go on and persevere. I am strong. I am smart. I am beautiful. I am worthy. I am capable. I am not afraid to live life to the fullest that I can, even if it’s really hard at this very moment to get up and do so. I don’t know what I want to do with my life, but I know I want to spread kindness and love and never harbor hate in my heart.

I’m struggling. My heart is still so broken. The tears keep falling. I feel stronger today. I hope that I wake up feeling stronger tomorrow and even stronger the next day. Only time will tell, but I’m not giving up. The pain will not control me. The fears will not own me. I am not afraid. I am not afraid. I am not afraid.

honestly,
me

New Beginnings

It’s well after midnight. The house is still except for my fan droning on in the background. I have been a ball of emotions lately, and that probably speaks as to why I am up so late. Sleep has not been finding me easily because my brain is on overdrive. So much in my life has changed recently that I don’t even know where to begin. Not so long ago I was a woman so lost in life. I had lost hope and sight of so many things that had been rooted in my very core. I’ve spent so many nights cursing the world and the gods and my own mind as I cried into my tear stained pillows.

I began this journey of self love and positivity. It’s not always easy, but even in this short amount of time, it has changed me for the better. I no longer feel like this weak little girl afraid of the world, but like a strong woman ready to embrace the future and whatever it may hold. I am so very happy that I have stayed and continue to stay true to myself. Confidence really is beautiful. It says that you have faith in yourself and that you are capable. Confidence doesn’t mean that you don’t doubt yourself at times or that you aren’t afraid of failure. It says that you won’t let fear stop you from achieving the things you set out to achieve. It says you aren’t afraid to try.

I want to reiterate how very proud I am of my brothers. One is leading, what I consider to be a very successful life, with the woman he loves and my beautiful and smart little niece. That darling child has brought so much joy to our lives. He is one of the best fathers that I know. My other brother is overcoming struggles that he has faced for quite some time now. He is persevering in spite of the statistics and odds stacked against him. I think there have been times where he has felt like the runt of the litter, so to speak, but I dare say he might be the strongest out of us if he continues on this path of perseverance.

I have been honest and vulnerable thus far on this blog and I want to continue to do so. I know that by doing so, I continue to open myself up to the possibility of negativity and backlash, but if there is one person that reads what I have to say and it positively affects their life in some way then it’s worth it to me. I have spoken of a wonderful man recently. He and I have spent real, quality time together and we have made some decisions. First, we completely and utterly adore one another. I genuinely cannot adequately put into words the way we feel about one another or the way we make each other feel. It is beyond extraordinary.

Ever since I was a little girl, the main thing I wanted in life was extraordinary love. Love is my passion in life. I want others to feel it and I want to spread it, if only at the very basic level of kindness. I have had relationships over the years that were good, solid relationships, but I always felt like something was missing from them and I could never place my finger on it. Over time, I began to feel like there was something wrong with me and that I had these unrealistic expectations. I thought that maybe I was the one that was incapable of love. Then came the time where I gave up on love. I only sought out relationships in the form of friendship and I started focusing completely on bettering myself. Then comes this person completely out of the blue and my heart says, “I know.”

I never fully understood the concept of “when you know, you know.” I have questioned multiple people saying, “but what do you mean by that. How do I know that I know?” They respond, “you’ll just know.” It used to frustrate me beyond words. Honestly, I didn’t believe it. Then I met him, and I just know. I can’t explain it to you. I can’t tell you why. It just is. Trust me, coming from a person who was once a non-believer of the know, you won’t question whether or not you know when it happens. You can try and question it, understand it, reason with yourself and validate your feelings, but deep down you’ll know.

With that being said, I’m taking a leap. I’m moving approximately 6 hours away to be with him and he’s choosing to not move 10 hours away to go back home. I’m making this move in a little over a week! We have made arrangements. We’re both young, relatively speaking, and at a point in our lives where we can go or do anything that we want. We are choosing to move forward together in the same direction. Have we known each other a short time? Yes. Does it matter? No. Are we aware of the risks and potential for failure? Yes. Does that change our minds? No. I know that not everyone will agree with our decision and some people will think we are completely insane, and it’s okay. I have to do what is right for me. I am the only person that gets to live my life. Every mistake, every accomplishment, every failure, every success is going to be because of a decision I have made. That’s something I can live with. Risks are called risks for a reason. There is uncertainty and unpredictability involved, but if you don’t take some risks then you’ll never truly know the greatness that can be obtained or achieved. Surprisingly, or not, the vast majority of the people in our lives are supportive and happy for us. If you could hear and see the way we talk about one another, then you would understand why.

The main thing I want you to take from the overload of personal information is to do what is best for you. I do think that you should follow your heart, but take your brain with you. Make informed decisions. Always stay true to yourself and you will persevere. You have in you more strength than you are aware that you’re capable of. Have faith.

I will be extremely busy preparing for the move this week. I am already in the process of packing and cleaning and getting my affairs in order. I will be meeting his grandparents for the first time when I make the move. The following day, we will make a 10 hour drive or so to his parents’ house (so he can pick up some belongings) and I will be meeting them for the first time. Once we’re back and settled, I’ll be in active job search mode. I am most nervous about those initial meet and greets though. It’s such a short time away. I feel like I should have some type of gift that says “thank you for welcoming me into your home”  for the grandparents and the parents, but I have no idea what to get. I’ve searched and searching online, hoping to find something that piqued my interest but I haven’t had much luck. I don’t want to get anything elaborate or expensive, just something simple and thoughtful. If you have any suggestions at all, please share them with me. 

I plan to keep you all updated on my journey and I plan to stay focused on being a positive person and spreading that positivity. Kindness is something that I fully promote, as well. Here’s to this crazy adventure that I am about to embark on and the beginning of a new chapter in my life, and here’s to you and taking your own risks in life and accomplishing goals.

honestly,
me

Light the Way

I am in a very contemplative mood tonight. I continue to wonder why people do and say the things they do and say. We truly are complex creatures.

My current playlist consists of James Blunt on shuffle. My room is a complete wreck. The temperature in the room is somewhere around a slightly uncomfortable 78 degrees Fahrenheit. Don’t fret for me; I have a fan working overtime to send slightly cool wisps of air my way.

So, back to these train-wrecked thoughts of mine. Will I ever continue on a flowing stream of uninterrupted happiness and calm? No, probably not. Change is the only constant and it is anything but a continuous, calm path. I have to continue to remind myself of this.

I have had so many lovely and wonderful ups lately. They are mostly thanks to a wonderful individual that I sometimes feel as if I’ve known my whole life. However, he is this uncharted region that I very much want to explore, but the thoughts of the unknown terrify me. I am speaking on an assumption, but I feel that it is quite rare to meet someone with whom your soul seems to completely align with. It’s like you’re standing out in the night staring up at the same moon, while you hold the same book in each of your hands. You’re reading the same lines of the book simultaneously from afar and completely unaware that you are doing so until you share with one another. It’s a very rare book that only the two of you seem to know. That’s crazy, right?! It’s crazy wonderful and crazy scary. They say love knows no age. Maybe it knows no time either. I’m going to say it. I might possibly be falling in love with this guy. Of course, that’s our little secret here. You’ll get to witness my heartbreak now if all goes to hell in a hand-basket.

Seriously though, I’m the happiest that I have been since I don’t know when. I have made myself vulnerable and demolished most all of my walls. In a way, I have given him the key to me and said, “take a look around, make yourself at home.” Of course, I’m fearful of the potential havoc he could wreak. One of my biggest fears is being deceived. I have these thoughts of “if it seems too good to be true, then it probably is.” It’s hard to shut those thoughts out. I continue to try though. Do what makes you happy until it doesn’t.

I tell myself myself, “look how far you have already come; look at the things you have dealt with. Look at you! You continue to survive!” It’s true. I’ve been broken down so many times and each time seems to get progressively worse. There have been moments when I felt that was all there was. I wasn’t going to make it out alive this time. I was finally going to be destroyed once and for all, yet here I am. I persevered. I will continue to do so. I can be shattered into millions of pieces, but guess what? I will put myself back together. It’s this special power I have. I don’t always see and understand this in those moments of heartache, but in the end, I always stand back up.

In the meantime, I have to continue to grow for myself. I have to continue to strive for a happy and good life. I still think it’s unhealthy to rest the weight of your happiness on another’s shoulders. Everyone has their own struggles and sometimes, those alone, are too much to bear. There’s is nothing wrong with letting another become the light that brightens your day, but develop your own light. Even the Sun can’t shine in a single place for all of time. You have to be capable of lighting your own way. I am still learning this and trying oh so hard to implement it into action. It’s a struggle.

There are lots of changes that my future is about to take. There are lots of decisions that need to be made. I hope dearly that I make the ones that are right for me. How do I know what the right decision is? I don’t, necessarily. I’m trying to balance my heart and mind and not let too much of one take over. It’s a process. I guess the only thing I can do is to do what I feel is right and is also feasible. I have to stay true to myself and not let my judgement become clouded from fear. Fear will not run my life. I want a life based on love and happiness and spreading those things. Fear just gets in the way.

Here’s to the unknown and the adventures life takes us on.

honestly,
me

One for the Books– A Day to Remember

I am pretty tired, but I want to write about some things while they are very fresh on my mind.

Have you ever met someone that completely changed your life? They didn’t do anything life-changing. They are probably totally unaware that they had the sort of impact on your world that moves mountains, but they changed you.

Today, I met an extraordinary person. We have known each other for a short while, thanks to technology these days. We had a remarkable day exploring a town neither of us was familiar with. We laughed and the conversation flowed like a mountain stream, uninterrupted and so easily. I have been blessed with people throughout my life that I’m thankful to know and have known, but I have never met anyone like this individual. He has the kindest eyes I’ve ever seen. He is so genuine and engaging. I am so very thankful that I got a chance to spend time with him. I will forever cherish this day.

It’s about more than just good conversation and laughs. His presence empowers me. He has breathed into me renewed life. The way he speaks and his compassion for others captivates you. I cannot adequately put into words how incredible he is.

We can never be sure what the future holds. I can only hope that he is someone that will be in my life for a very long time. At the very least, he has given me a memory that I will forever hold dear to my heart.

People come and go in life. It hurts a lot of times when they go, especially if you don’t want to let them go. I strongly believe that everything happens for a reason. You can find beauty in every single situation. There is no exception. I am constantly learning that.

You are not a prison. You can’t contain everything you love in a room and hold it there forever. People are meant to grow and live. You have to learn to cherish the moments you are given and let go of the pain. You cannot regret something that once made you happy just because it no longer brings you happiness. You have to let go. I am one of those people that want to hold onto everything. It is so hard for me to let things and people go. It hurts. It hurts like hell.

Like a caterpillar must go through changes to become a butterfly, we too have to go through changes to become better. It can sometimes be impossible to see in the moment. I have been in that place more times than I can count. I have cursed my life and the choices I have made. I have beat myself down mentally with thoughts of worthlessness and telling myself that I don’t deserve anything.

It’s not true. Everyone is worthy. Everyone deserves the very best. Your mistakes and circumstances do not define you. I’ve said it before, but I can’t say it enough. Do not let the past beat you down. You have to stand back up and face the world head on. Don’t let the world harden you and take your compassion. Don’t let your own fears stifle you.

We live in a world, now, where people are more worried about keeping up with the constant stream of social media as opposed to the people in their very presence. Put down your phones. Interact with people in real life. We all want these beautiful lives and relationships and we’re always searching, constantly searching. Stop searching. Look around you. You could be missing out on something before your very eyes because you’re so caught up in things that don’t matter. Take some time to soak in the life you have been given. How can you make it better? How can you make it richer in things that matter? Stop comparing yourself and your life to the snapshot pieces you see of others. You’re usually only being shown the best parts. Everyone has woes and struggles in life. They are not exempt simply because you are unaware of them.

You have to learn to accept yourself and love yourself unconditionally. You matter and you should never ever let another person make you feel any differently. You should also never tell yourself otherwise. There are going to be people that are going to try and break you. They are going to make you question who you are. You must not let those people break you. You will not be accepted by everyone. It’s just a fact of life. It’s okay. You don’t have to be accepted by everyone. Their views and opinions of you are exactly that, THEIRS! They don’t have to influence your life unless you let them. The way you treat others is a direct reflection on yourself. The same goes for how people treat you; it is a direct reflection on themselves, not you.

I am learning to be more compassionate. I am learning to focus on the things in life that really matter. I am learning every day, and I will continue to do so for the rest of my life. Knowledge is power and when you use that power to better yourself, others, and the world around you it becomes a magnificent place– physically and mentally.

I am so very thankful for the person I have spoken about in this post. He has opened up a world for me that I was unaware was even closed to begin with. I am so very grateful for the life I have been given despite the set of circumstances I have been handed. I will persevere.

honestly,
me

Understanding Religion

I had a very deep and thought-provoking conversation with my bestie today. I’m going to share those thoughts, to the best of my ability, here. I’m going to warn you that it focuses largely on religion and your view will likely differ from mine. If you choose to make an assumption about me or respond, I ask that you completely read what I have to say before doing so.

I have recently been trying to make an actual effort to change myself for the better, as you may have read about in my previous posts. While doing so, I have been reaching within myself to learn about my beliefs and what makes me who I am. I am trying to become secure in the person that I am and choose to be and stand by my beliefs, even if they are potentially incorrect. We are only human and part of being human is continually changing and evolving. You cannot better yourself unless you are open to change and being told you are wrong. Part of growing is learning. My views are always changing and that’s okay. I am allowed to change my mind and so are you. I do not think that someone should ever say, “this is the way it has always been done and this is how I’m going to do it” or “this is just how I was raised and taught.” I think people should question things, especially if it is important to you. You should strive to learn about something and make the decision to do it or believe in something because it is YOUR CHOICE, and not a decision that someone or something has made for you.

With that being said, I grew up around Christian faith. We were not in church every Sunday or even very often at all. In my 5th year of school, I attended a private Christian school. As I got a little older, I would attend Wednesday night services with friends. I was taught about God and Jesus and the basics of being a Christian. Present day, I occasionally attend Sunday church. I have always somewhat identified myself as Christian in viewpoint, although I have never been baptised. I do pray to Jesus/God, but not regularly. I’ll be honest, I do not know much about Christianity. I cannot quote the Bible. I am not even completely knowledgeable about some of the basic and well known stories that even children know.

I have been wanting to go to church and try and learn more about the Christian faith and what exactly it means to be a Christian. I have tried to do so on my own, but I get so frustrated because I’ll read something that I don’t agree with or fully understand and stop. Ironically enough, a really good friend of mine, invited me to try a new church with him this past Sunday. I, of course, said yes. It is quite a large church and a little intimidating though. I felt a little awkward during the singing since it’s not natural for me, but I tried to really focus on the words being sung and the message from the preacher. The sermon was part three of a series explaining the mission of the church and what it means to be a growing disciple. There was a moment when those baptised were invited to participate in taking in the body and blood of Christ. In the moment, I wasn’t completely sure if you had to be baptized or not to participate and I was beyond anxious. My thoughts were running on fast forward and I was trying to decided whether or not I should participate. I was scared that I would be judged and feel embarrassed if I didn’t. My friend asked me if I was going up there and I repeated the question to him. He said yes and stood. I waved him past me and stayed seated. I was so anxious that I was sweating and wanted to cry. I stayed calm and listened to the message. When it came down to it, I wasn’t comfortable participating because I have not been baptised and it didn’t feel right to participate in something that I still have so many questions about. Although, I was so embarrassed on the inside, I stayed true to what I believed right and I didn’t want to do something just because everyone else was doing it. I did what was right for me and stayed true to myself. By the way, no one looked at me weird or laughed at me. No one judged me. My feelings were all fears from the inside. No one made me feel uncomfortable.

The preacher talked about becoming a disciple of Christ and how you shouldn’t do so just because others are. You shouldn’t just take someone else’s word. You should seek out Christ for yourself. If you have questions and doubts, you should address them. I really liked that and I want to see about attending some study sessions that were listed because I do have a lot of questions and doubts and I would like to be better informed. I want to learn about Christianity because it is something that is important to me and I’m tired of not fully understanding.

I don’t know where I stand on religion. I know what I have been taught, but I cannot blindly believe in something that I don’t fully understand. My thoughts are:

if I am truly a good person and I strive to continue to be a good person, if I try to better others and the world around me and not bring harm, then I don’t know how any god would damn me to Hell or wherever. My issue with my experiences with the Bible is that it is very contradictory at times and that makes it very frustrating to follow. I am told that you should fear God, but why if he is this forgiving and loving God? If I am meant to worship and live for God and not myself, then what is the point of this current life?

Let me explain further what I mean by this. I already know I am striking a match and tossing it into kerosene with the following example and comparison that I am going to use. It’s the best way that I know how to explain what I am trying to say though. I am not saying the two are equal! Here is the best simplification I can give:

Hitler was a leader and ruler. People were suppose to follow him and do as he said. He wanted to kill a lot of innocent people based on his beliefs. Had everyone did exactly as he said, then the world would be a lot different. Sometimes leaders are wrong and it takes someone standing up for their beliefs and fighting back for what is right. Now apply the same concept to God. He is the leader and ruler. People are suppose to follow him and do as he says. I am suppose to worship him and live only by what he says. It doesn’t matter if I’m a good person; if I don’t live as he says I should live, then I am going to Hell.

That is where my issue is. I cannot fathom a god feeling that way, especially a forgiving and loving God. IF God is that way, then I have some issues and I feel that he is wrong. Before you go sending me hate mail, please try and understand. I am not saying that God is wrong because I don’t have all of the facts, nor do I have the luxury of asking God himself. If you are Christian, even thinking something like that is probably considered blasphemy. I am not trying to turn people from religion. DO NOT BASE YOUR BELIEFS OFF READING ANYTHING IN THIS POST. If this brings up questions for you, then I encourage you to search for answers and do what is right for you and what you believe.

To touch on some other things that rub me the wrong way when speaking of Christianity and viewpoints… Gay marriage is a big and controversial topic right now. I am not 100 percent sure if marriage is a Christian belief. I do know that the government and law of the land has made it a human belief. Christians are not the only people that get married. Everyone around the world gets married. If marriage was a Christian thing then I could completely understand it being between one man and one man and a unity between the two. However, the law of the land has made it something that affects your life beyond religion. Your taxes, all legal documents, and even your possessions are affected by it. Therefore, I don’t think it is anyone’s right to say that two men shouldn’t be married or two women shouldn’t be married. If you are not gay or lesbian then it does not affect your life. Let people marry who they want to marry and go about your business. If you believe that it is between a man and women then good for you. There is nothing wrong with that. There is enough hate in this world. If someone is trying to add some love to it, then by all means go for it, in my opinion.

I would also like to add a tidbit about abortion. I was speaking with the same friend, that I went to church with, a few days ago about this topic. He is pro life and I am pro choice. He said that he believes everything happens for a reason and that abortion shouldn’t be allowed. My response was that if he believed that everything happened for a reason, and since abortion is still legal in places, did he feel that way about the babies that are aborted… that it happened for a reason. His response was a no and that he did not think God ever meant for anyone to be killed. If he believes that then he does not believe that everything happens for a reason. I am fairly certain that he supports our troops and war, so if he believes that God doesn’t mean for anyone to be killed then what about the soldiers risking their lives and eliminating the enemy? They are very contradicting thoughts. I am not bashing his view or anyone else’s. I am no where near perfect and contradicting, at times, myself. I am trying to learn and understand though.

Now to speak about the Bible, itself. I wish, oh how I wish, I had access to the Vatican and the original scrolls. I wish I could understand all of the different languages so I could read the original word of God for myself. Nevertheless, I can’t. There are so many different languages and when translated they don’t always mean the same thing. Humans, themselves, interpret everything differently. So, to put all my trust into a book written by all these different humans that interpret things in different ways is hard for me to do. If you have studied foreign languages then you know that there are some words and phrases that can’t even be fully translated. I realize that there were all these scholars and such that translated the Bible, but who am I to say they were correct? I want to believe they are and that it is the actual word, but I have my doubts. Speaking from an American perspective, we live in a world where everything we do and say is based off of the media and news. We aren’t always given the full story and we are fed to act and dress whatever way is deemed “fashionable” at the time. I don’t want to think that someone came along and purposefully, or accidentally even, mistranslated the Bible for ulterior motives. Don’t call me a conspiracy theorist. I am not. I would not have spent this much time trying to sort my thoughts out into this post if this wasn’t something that is important to me.

Christianity is the religion that I am currently trying to focus on. My goal is to read the Bible in it’s entirety and understand it to the best of my ability. I am open to learning about other religions and even if you believe fully in a certain religion, I think it’s healthy to be knowledgeable about the other religions. Christians, themselves, can be so judgemental. I just had a friend the other day say that he didn’t really know what he believed. He was raised Christian, but Christians were so judgemental and it rubbed him the wrong way. I told him to not turn from a religion strictly because of the people that make up the religion. Making mistakes is human nature. He should focus on the message of the religion itself and apply it to himself as opposed to how the people act.

Please don’t send me hate mail. It will be deleted and ignored if you do. If you want to talk further with me about any of this, I encourage you to do so and I would like to hear what your viewpoint is. If you feel the need to attack me, refrain. If you would like to have a conversation, then by all means. Information should be shared and talked about, not pushed down throats or blindly ignored because there is disagreement.

honestly,
me

A Full Heart

My heart is full tonight. I spent the evening fishing and enjoy some sunshine with the bestie. I only caught one fish, catch and release, but I had a blast. It was so nice out. I then went and spent some time with a friend that I haven’t seen in a short while. That was nice as well. Overall, it was a great day. It’s a beautiful night. If I weren’t so sleepy and it so late, I’d be inclined to sit outside and soak it in.

My day (that I previously wrote about) got slightly better. I ended up talking with my bestie and spilling my woes. It was good to talk about it. Everyone has bad days. It’s okay to have a bad day. Sometimes you just have to have those days where you don’t do much. You shouldn’t get so down on yourself, like I tend to do. Wake the next day and try to have a better day. Some days all you can do is try.

I’m feeling motivated again about life. I want to try new things and work toward finding a career that I can put my time into. My friend said he’d look over my resume and help me “perfect” it as much as possible. I’m ready to start living. I think I have some new friendships budding. It’s too early to tell, but I’m having an open and hopeful mind. I might get to go to a little festival tomorrow with my bestie and a couple other people. I plan to ride on a motorcycle for the first time Saturday. I’m super nervous but, like I said, I’m trying new things. Sunday, the friend I spent time with tonight and I are wanting to try out a new church. We plan to do that Sunday morning and then go fishing. I’m hoping for a really good weekend. I need to fit some time in to do my free online classes since I’m slightly slacking on those deadlines.

Tonight, I’m thankful for good days and the friendships I have. I’m thankful for days that fill my heart.

honestly,
me

Struggling

My eyes are like a leaky faucet that I can’t seem to fix today. I got back home yesterday from visiting with family. I had a conversation with my friend on the way home and was so pumped about the ways I am trying to change my life for the better. Most of those ways start mentally and by changing my way of thinking to a more positive one. I preached and preached how I was different now. I was going to be able to get my life in order, so to speak, because now I had the positive mentality behind it. I told her that I knew I would still have bad days and times where I fell backward, but now I recognized those times and I would persevere.

Today is a hard day. Why, you might ask. I simply woke up this way. I know I made another post similar to this just days ago, but here I am again. It is so hard. I have tears streaming down my face and I’m so frustrated. It’s so simple, right? Just be better. Get up and do something. Make yourself feel better. I preach these same things to other people in the same situation, but here I am and it’s not so easy. I know it’s mental. I recognize the situation. I am also so drained mentally and physically today.

I’m running through a list in my head of things that I could be doing: updating my resume and putting it online, organizing my room, and the list goes on for days. I could update my resume without even getting out of bed. So, why is it so hard? I don’t have the answer to that question and I am so frustrated. I tried writing in my journal (I’m trying to utilize it more instead of typing in a private one on the computer), but I didn’t have much to say. I started reading my current self-help book, but then I decided I was going to come here and write about my frustrations. I don’t want to only post the positive highs here and leave out my lows. It wouldn’t be genuine. I want you to know that I fail too. Just because you think you have a foolproof idea doesn’t mean there aren’t holes in it. Part of life is making mistakes and being able to own up to them. Part of life is being able to admit your failures, or at least recognize them and move forward.

Sometimes you recognize all you have to be thankful for in life. I don’t want to lay here and be upset today. I know my life could be so much worse, but I can’t seem to find the energy today. I think more than anything, I’m just frustrated with myself because the concept of just choosing to do something and be happy seems so simple. Just do. And I can’t seem to do it.

This is where I am at this point in my day. I plan to read some more in my book and then I’m not sure after that. I’m hoping that I will have some positivity to add later, even if it’s a simple, I persevered. If you’ve had some of the same struggles and have any advice that helped you, I’m open to suggestions. I know everyone takes information in differently and different things work for different people, but it could be helpful.

honestly,
me

Keep Fighting

I wonder why some days are a struggle as soon as you wake in the morning, before you even open your eyes. I suppose it could have to do greatly with your subconscious… the dreams you had while sleeping even if you don’t recall them. It’s so frustrating though when you’ve been doing really good and focusing on positivity. Then you wake and have to start the day fighting before your feet even hit the ground.

I tell myself it’s all mental. It’s just a test to see if I can hold on or if I’m going to fall back into the hole and have to start my climb out all over again. There are days like today when I recognize these things and I have the strength to continue fighting, to lift my head and say, I will prevail. But what do I do on the days where I wake and the fight is too much, when I feel like I’m fighting an endless battle with no sign of peace?

It’s easy for me to say that I will keep fighting, but I know how it feels to be in that moment and not want to even get out of the bed. You don’t care anymore. It all seems pointless. I also know that those moments pass. I have to make an effort every day to reflect on the moments and find the good in them and let go of the bad. Not only that, but I have to reflect on where I’m at in life and what I’m thankful for, even if it’s not where I want to be. And on those days when the fight is too much, I HAVE to continue to do those things even if I don’t want to, even if I see no point. It is most critical then. I am hoping that by creating positive habits, they will eventually become effortless and part of every day life.

Steel is forged in fire. It all comes down to what you’re made of. It’s not the situation or circumstance that defines you. It’s what you’re made of that says how you will define the situation. Don’t let the world burn you. Let it mold you into something better.

honestly,
me

Thankful– A Boring Day

Tonight, I reconnected with a friend of mine and it made me really happy. I went from having a somewhat down in the dumps day to feeling pretty good about this day. It’s all about perspective and I’m still trying so very hard to have a positive outlook more times than not. I wish I would have appreciated this day more in the moment as opposed to at the very end of it. Nothing extravagant happened and I was relatively bored. Now that I’m reflecting on my day, I see the significance of this boring day.

Here’s how it went:  I woke up and went to work with my Dad for a bit. That included riding around with him and checking on some jobs and such. We also had to pick some things up from Home Depot and I scratched my hands all to heck on some type of wiring. I spent the rest of the day at my Grandma’s, with my Dad, in front of the TV and on my computer. We grabbed some Dairy Queen for dinner.

Doesn’t sound like a really interesting day, right? That’s correct in some ways, but here’s why I’m thankful for this boring day. I got to spend some time with my Dad. Granted a lot of it was spent not really talking and us doing our own thing, but we were in each other’s presence nevertheless. I live out of state and don’t see my family as often as I’d like or should. Every moment that I’m able to spend with them is important. One day, I’m going to look back on these boring days and wish I could give all the money in the world just to have a sliver of that moment back. I pray that day is a long, long time from now.

I’m laying here on my Grandma’s couch with her little doggy beside me. Crickets are playing in the background and all else is silent except for the clicking of my keyboard. It’s the wee hours of the morning and I should be sound asleep, but I’m really soaking in how thankful I am. Just a few hours ago I was feeling melancholy all because I couldn’t get out of my head. Now, I’m overwhelmingly thankful for the same reasons I was bored earlier. Forgive me if I’m repetitive. I am a wee bit tired.

If I could have you take something from this post, it would be to live in the moment. Appreciate each and every thing even if it seems uneventful. Life is all about perspective. It reminds me of the example of going back in the future in movies and such. You have to make sure to stay on the path and not move off for even the slightest moment. If you were to harm even one tiny little insignificant mosquito, you could alter the entire future for the whole of humanity. Moments that seem irrelevant now could become some of your most significant memories later in life. So, make them all count.

honestly,
me

Scorched Ink

I live in the strokes of ink that leave my pen.
I’m not sure where I’m going, only where I’ve been.
I inhale hope and exhale hate.
I don’t want to be defined by my mistakes.
I feel lost, without map or compass–
Always waiting for a missed bus.
I have the world at the tip of my fingers.
Scared to reach for fear of blisters
Because the closeness burns
And the pain isn’t something I can unlearn.

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