Tarot Cards… Do You Believe?

A friend of mine has recently rediscovered her tarot cards and is trying to understand them more and such. She does a daily reading for herself and keeps a little journal with her “findings.” Apparently,  ‘yes’ and ‘no’ questions are much harder to do / understand. While she was on the phone with me the other day, she did a reading for me, without my knowledge. She asked [the cards] if my significant other and I will get married. The card she received was The Empress. Her take on the answer to her question was a “yes, this is a great time.” She then asked if he and I would grow old together. The card she received was Death, which she took for a solid no.

That’s obviously not something you want to hear when you’re pursuing a forever relationship with someone. I have mixed feelings about readings in all forms. I’m not sure if I believe, but there’s part of me that says, “what if?” My thoughts on it are this:  if you could know the exact time and place of your death, would you want to know? If you could have the name of the person that you’re supposed to marry, would you want the name? My answers are no. Life is about the journey, not the end result. It all ends the same. Our physical bodies die. If you knew that the man you were supposed to marry was named Ethan, would you have experienced those life changing moments or seen the Grand Canyon with Tom? No, because you’ll want to get straight to your happily ever after with this Ethan.

You’re probably thinking, “so, what’s the problem? Clearly, this isn’t something you put much stock in.” True and false. I stay away from it because I don’t really understand it AND it’s just not something that I want to know. It seems to cloud an already overcast life. My friend meant no harm, of course. It’s something that she’s learning and interested in. So, she’s sharing that with me. I can’t help but be affected by it though. Should I talk to my significant other? If I do talk to him, am I just implanting the ideas of ending a relationship with me? Am I being crazy? Now, I have this little voice in my head going, “it’s not going to work out. You’re wasting both of your time. This, too, will end in heartbreak.” Part of me says, ignore it. You make your own life, but the other part of me says, “you’re ignoring the signs we’re trying to give you.”

If you’ve made it this far, I’m curious what your unbiased opinion is about tarot cards, readings, and all the different meanings. Should I take a chill pill and forget about all this or delve into some other option?

honestly,

me

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Heartbroken

Are you a lover or a fighter? People ask this question all the time. I’ve always responded, “I’m a lover,” but am I not both? A true lover is a fighter because they never give up. The world tries to break you. People try to break you. And most of the time it’s not even personal. Most everyone is just doing what they can to get by and survive. Most people don’t even know what the hell they are doing. But if you truly love with all you have, you fight because you bear the hardest struggles because you care. A world without love is a treacherous place. People without love are sad beings with no hope. We are strong. We are capable.

Not every question has an answer. Not every problem has a solution. Truth isn’t the meaning of life; love is. Don’t get me wrong, I choose an honest life and I think everyone should. Honestly is ALWAYS the best policy. You can’t be your true self unless you can be honest and accept who you really are, even the deepest, darkest parts of yourself. I know, that is an impossibly scary thing for a lot of people. Would I like to have the answer to everything? Yes, of course. Is that necessarily possible in my lifetime or any of ours? Probably not.

Love, at is highest peak, is when someone can look you in the face and say they don’t want you and you still recognize your own self worth. “If there is no enemy within, the enemy outside can do no harm.” I believe this with every ounce of my being. Sure it hurts. Rejection hurts like hell. Many of people’s biggest fears are centered around rejection and being alone. In return, people “break their own hearts” and turn and run so a person can’t leave them. Can’t you see it’s still the same outcome? You’re still alone. Who wants to spend their whole life running so no one leaves you? No one, yet so many people do because of fear. At some point, you have to say, “I am not afraid. My fears do not control me,” and you have to constantly instill that within. We’re only human. The sad truth is that people do walk away, if not because they choose to, because death takes them.

Let me get personal for a moment. My heart was just completely broken. I’ve barely eaten or done anything the past few days. I haven’t been able to let myself even listen to music or write. I have felt so completely lost and just broken and empty. I have cried and tried to pick apart every little thing wrong with me. I have felt worthless and hated myself. I saw my whole life with this person. I looked into his eyes and I felt love without him even having to say it. I thought he was my person. I thought he felt the same, and maybe he did for a short while. I won’t get into the details, but he doesn’t want me or us anymore. I’ve begged and pleaded and did everything that I could think to get him to give me reasons why or change his mind. He mostly shut down and didn’t give me much. He’s not a cruel person. Sure he hasn’t handled things the right way, but he has his own demons (fears) that he’s fighting, and maybe he really thinks he gave me all that he could. I don’t know why he’s choosing to do what he’s doing, but he is. I can’t force him to love me or be with me. I may never understand the why. It sucks feeling so deeply that he and I are perfect for one another and that we could have this incredible life together, but having it all taken away without even a reason that I can comprehend. I can’t change it though. It is what it is.

It hurts, but I can’t just lay down and die. I am capable of a love that I never even imagined. I don’t want to be sad and miserable. I have to tell myself that if I could experience that type of love and it not even be meant for me then imagine how great the love that is meant for me will be. It’s hard to do when I saw everything I wanted in him and more and I still feel that way, but there’s nothing I can do if he still walks away after me pouring my heart out to him. I have to go on and persevere. I am strong. I am smart. I am beautiful. I am worthy. I am capable. I am not afraid to live life to the fullest that I can, even if it’s really hard at this very moment to get up and do so. I don’t know what I want to do with my life, but I know I want to spread kindness and love and never harbor hate in my heart.

I’m struggling. My heart is still so broken. The tears keep falling. I feel stronger today. I hope that I wake up feeling stronger tomorrow and even stronger the next day. Only time will tell, but I’m not giving up. The pain will not control me. The fears will not own me. I am not afraid. I am not afraid. I am not afraid.

honestly,
me

New Beginnings

It’s well after midnight. The house is still except for my fan droning on in the background. I have been a ball of emotions lately, and that probably speaks as to why I am up so late. Sleep has not been finding me easily because my brain is on overdrive. So much in my life has changed recently that I don’t even know where to begin. Not so long ago I was a woman so lost in life. I had lost hope and sight of so many things that had been rooted in my very core. I’ve spent so many nights cursing the world and the gods and my own mind as I cried into my tear stained pillows.

I began this journey of self love and positivity. It’s not always easy, but even in this short amount of time, it has changed me for the better. I no longer feel like this weak little girl afraid of the world, but like a strong woman ready to embrace the future and whatever it may hold. I am so very happy that I have stayed and continue to stay true to myself. Confidence really is beautiful. It says that you have faith in yourself and that you are capable. Confidence doesn’t mean that you don’t doubt yourself at times or that you aren’t afraid of failure. It says that you won’t let fear stop you from achieving the things you set out to achieve. It says you aren’t afraid to try.

I want to reiterate how very proud I am of my brothers. One is leading, what I consider to be a very successful life, with the woman he loves and my beautiful and smart little niece. That darling child has brought so much joy to our lives. He is one of the best fathers that I know. My other brother is overcoming struggles that he has faced for quite some time now. He is persevering in spite of the statistics and odds stacked against him. I think there have been times where he has felt like the runt of the litter, so to speak, but I dare say he might be the strongest out of us if he continues on this path of perseverance.

I have been honest and vulnerable thus far on this blog and I want to continue to do so. I know that by doing so, I continue to open myself up to the possibility of negativity and backlash, but if there is one person that reads what I have to say and it positively affects their life in some way then it’s worth it to me. I have spoken of a wonderful man recently. He and I have spent real, quality time together and we have made some decisions. First, we completely and utterly adore one another. I genuinely cannot adequately put into words the way we feel about one another or the way we make each other feel. It is beyond extraordinary.

Ever since I was a little girl, the main thing I wanted in life was extraordinary love. Love is my passion in life. I want others to feel it and I want to spread it, if only at the very basic level of kindness. I have had relationships over the years that were good, solid relationships, but I always felt like something was missing from them and I could never place my finger on it. Over time, I began to feel like there was something wrong with me and that I had these unrealistic expectations. I thought that maybe I was the one that was incapable of love. Then came the time where I gave up on love. I only sought out relationships in the form of friendship and I started focusing completely on bettering myself. Then comes this person completely out of the blue and my heart says, “I know.”

I never fully understood the concept of “when you know, you know.” I have questioned multiple people saying, “but what do you mean by that. How do I know that I know?” They respond, “you’ll just know.” It used to frustrate me beyond words. Honestly, I didn’t believe it. Then I met him, and I just know. I can’t explain it to you. I can’t tell you why. It just is. Trust me, coming from a person who was once a non-believer of the know, you won’t question whether or not you know when it happens. You can try and question it, understand it, reason with yourself and validate your feelings, but deep down you’ll know.

With that being said, I’m taking a leap. I’m moving approximately 6 hours away to be with him and he’s choosing to not move 10 hours away to go back home. I’m making this move in a little over a week! We have made arrangements. We’re both young, relatively speaking, and at a point in our lives where we can go or do anything that we want. We are choosing to move forward together in the same direction. Have we known each other a short time? Yes. Does it matter? No. Are we aware of the risks and potential for failure? Yes. Does that change our minds? No. I know that not everyone will agree with our decision and some people will think we are completely insane, and it’s okay. I have to do what is right for me. I am the only person that gets to live my life. Every mistake, every accomplishment, every failure, every success is going to be because of a decision I have made. That’s something I can live with. Risks are called risks for a reason. There is uncertainty and unpredictability involved, but if you don’t take some risks then you’ll never truly know the greatness that can be obtained or achieved. Surprisingly, or not, the vast majority of the people in our lives are supportive and happy for us. If you could hear and see the way we talk about one another, then you would understand why.

The main thing I want you to take from the overload of personal information is to do what is best for you. I do think that you should follow your heart, but take your brain with you. Make informed decisions. Always stay true to yourself and you will persevere. You have in you more strength than you are aware that you’re capable of. Have faith.

I will be extremely busy preparing for the move this week. I am already in the process of packing and cleaning and getting my affairs in order. I will be meeting his grandparents for the first time when I make the move. The following day, we will make a 10 hour drive or so to his parents’ house (so he can pick up some belongings) and I will be meeting them for the first time. Once we’re back and settled, I’ll be in active job search mode. I am most nervous about those initial meet and greets though. It’s such a short time away. I feel like I should have some type of gift that says “thank you for welcoming me into your home”  for the grandparents and the parents, but I have no idea what to get. I’ve searched and searching online, hoping to find something that piqued my interest but I haven’t had much luck. I don’t want to get anything elaborate or expensive, just something simple and thoughtful. If you have any suggestions at all, please share them with me. 

I plan to keep you all updated on my journey and I plan to stay focused on being a positive person and spreading that positivity. Kindness is something that I fully promote, as well. Here’s to this crazy adventure that I am about to embark on and the beginning of a new chapter in my life, and here’s to you and taking your own risks in life and accomplishing goals.

honestly,
me

My Cup Runneth Over

Some days your heart is so completely full that you want to burst into tears because it’s so overwhelming. Nothing extraordinary has happened. I have been sick this past week and, for others reasons, it has not the been the best week. Today, I woke with a blinding migraine. I had no choice but to sleep it off. I am feeling much better now after having some soup.

Still, I am so overwhelmingly thankful today. Things still aren’t perfect. I’m still unemployed. Like I mentioned above, I’ve been sick and in bed for days, but I’m just so grateful for this life I have been given. My brothers’ lives are moving in the right direction. I’ve met people that have restored my faith in humanity a bit. I’ve reconnected with some old friends. I have a bestfriend that I could tell anything in the world and she would still accept me. To top it all off, I’ve met this wonderful man that just warms my heart.

Kindness makes me happy.
Love makes me happy.
Seeing other people full of love and kindness and with happy hearts, makes me happy. I wish everyone would strive to be better and do better. Sure, there are bad people in this world and people that will take advantage of you. You have to continue to find the beautiful in the ugly, though. You have to not give up. It’s so very, very easy to give up. All the bad days seem worth it when you have those good days and days of understanding, though.

Always try to make room in your heart for compassion for others. I’ve had people tell me that one person can’t change the world. Darling, I beg to differ. All it takes is one person brave enough to make a stand and one person to believe in that person. It’s a domino effect of one persons and, before you know it, you’re changing the world together for the better.

I challenge you to be the one person bettering this world. Try it. Let your kindness catch like wildfire. It’s something this world can never have too much of.

honestly,
me

p.s. this is completely random, but if you use a ‘hot toddy’ or ‘grandpa’s cough medicine’ recipe and wouldn’t mind sharing it with me, I would be ever so grateful. Mine was an epic fail and totally gag-worthy. 

Passerby

Conversation is a dying art form.
It will soon be viewed in museums,
mostly passed by as an uninteresting exhibit.
People will move on to the portraits beside it
of picturesque beauty, with snippets of an ideal life.

“I want it all and once I have it, I want more,
unless, of course, you want to give it freely.”
It’s a catch and release sort of life.
“I want you until I have you, then want not.”

Don’t you ever get tired of the constant chase?
Isn’t there a hand you want to always hold?
Or is fear the only thing you’ll hold onto?

I have this large heart, vacancy sign lit,
but I am nothing more than a vacation spot.

They always come, but they always go.

cls09222015

Light the Way

I am in a very contemplative mood tonight. I continue to wonder why people do and say the things they do and say. We truly are complex creatures.

My current playlist consists of James Blunt on shuffle. My room is a complete wreck. The temperature in the room is somewhere around a slightly uncomfortable 78 degrees Fahrenheit. Don’t fret for me; I have a fan working overtime to send slightly cool wisps of air my way.

So, back to these train-wrecked thoughts of mine. Will I ever continue on a flowing stream of uninterrupted happiness and calm? No, probably not. Change is the only constant and it is anything but a continuous, calm path. I have to continue to remind myself of this.

I have had so many lovely and wonderful ups lately. They are mostly thanks to a wonderful individual that I sometimes feel as if I’ve known my whole life. However, he is this uncharted region that I very much want to explore, but the thoughts of the unknown terrify me. I am speaking on an assumption, but I feel that it is quite rare to meet someone with whom your soul seems to completely align with. It’s like you’re standing out in the night staring up at the same moon, while you hold the same book in each of your hands. You’re reading the same lines of the book simultaneously from afar and completely unaware that you are doing so until you share with one another. It’s a very rare book that only the two of you seem to know. That’s crazy, right?! It’s crazy wonderful and crazy scary. They say love knows no age. Maybe it knows no time either. I’m going to say it. I might possibly be falling in love with this guy. Of course, that’s our little secret here. You’ll get to witness my heartbreak now if all goes to hell in a hand-basket.

Seriously though, I’m the happiest that I have been since I don’t know when. I have made myself vulnerable and demolished most all of my walls. In a way, I have given him the key to me and said, “take a look around, make yourself at home.” Of course, I’m fearful of the potential havoc he could wreak. One of my biggest fears is being deceived. I have these thoughts of “if it seems too good to be true, then it probably is.” It’s hard to shut those thoughts out. I continue to try though. Do what makes you happy until it doesn’t.

I tell myself myself, “look how far you have already come; look at the things you have dealt with. Look at you! You continue to survive!” It’s true. I’ve been broken down so many times and each time seems to get progressively worse. There have been moments when I felt that was all there was. I wasn’t going to make it out alive this time. I was finally going to be destroyed once and for all, yet here I am. I persevered. I will continue to do so. I can be shattered into millions of pieces, but guess what? I will put myself back together. It’s this special power I have. I don’t always see and understand this in those moments of heartache, but in the end, I always stand back up.

In the meantime, I have to continue to grow for myself. I have to continue to strive for a happy and good life. I still think it’s unhealthy to rest the weight of your happiness on another’s shoulders. Everyone has their own struggles and sometimes, those alone, are too much to bear. There’s is nothing wrong with letting another become the light that brightens your day, but develop your own light. Even the Sun can’t shine in a single place for all of time. You have to be capable of lighting your own way. I am still learning this and trying oh so hard to implement it into action. It’s a struggle.

There are lots of changes that my future is about to take. There are lots of decisions that need to be made. I hope dearly that I make the ones that are right for me. How do I know what the right decision is? I don’t, necessarily. I’m trying to balance my heart and mind and not let too much of one take over. It’s a process. I guess the only thing I can do is to do what I feel is right and is also feasible. I have to stay true to myself and not let my judgement become clouded from fear. Fear will not run my life. I want a life based on love and happiness and spreading those things. Fear just gets in the way.

Here’s to the unknown and the adventures life takes us on.

honestly,
me

One for the Books– A Day to Remember

I am pretty tired, but I want to write about some things while they are very fresh on my mind.

Have you ever met someone that completely changed your life? They didn’t do anything life-changing. They are probably totally unaware that they had the sort of impact on your world that moves mountains, but they changed you.

Today, I met an extraordinary person. We have known each other for a short while, thanks to technology these days. We had a remarkable day exploring a town neither of us was familiar with. We laughed and the conversation flowed like a mountain stream, uninterrupted and so easily. I have been blessed with people throughout my life that I’m thankful to know and have known, but I have never met anyone like this individual. He has the kindest eyes I’ve ever seen. He is so genuine and engaging. I am so very thankful that I got a chance to spend time with him. I will forever cherish this day.

It’s about more than just good conversation and laughs. His presence empowers me. He has breathed into me renewed life. The way he speaks and his compassion for others captivates you. I cannot adequately put into words how incredible he is.

We can never be sure what the future holds. I can only hope that he is someone that will be in my life for a very long time. At the very least, he has given me a memory that I will forever hold dear to my heart.

People come and go in life. It hurts a lot of times when they go, especially if you don’t want to let them go. I strongly believe that everything happens for a reason. You can find beauty in every single situation. There is no exception. I am constantly learning that.

You are not a prison. You can’t contain everything you love in a room and hold it there forever. People are meant to grow and live. You have to learn to cherish the moments you are given and let go of the pain. You cannot regret something that once made you happy just because it no longer brings you happiness. You have to let go. I am one of those people that want to hold onto everything. It is so hard for me to let things and people go. It hurts. It hurts like hell.

Like a caterpillar must go through changes to become a butterfly, we too have to go through changes to become better. It can sometimes be impossible to see in the moment. I have been in that place more times than I can count. I have cursed my life and the choices I have made. I have beat myself down mentally with thoughts of worthlessness and telling myself that I don’t deserve anything.

It’s not true. Everyone is worthy. Everyone deserves the very best. Your mistakes and circumstances do not define you. I’ve said it before, but I can’t say it enough. Do not let the past beat you down. You have to stand back up and face the world head on. Don’t let the world harden you and take your compassion. Don’t let your own fears stifle you.

We live in a world, now, where people are more worried about keeping up with the constant stream of social media as opposed to the people in their very presence. Put down your phones. Interact with people in real life. We all want these beautiful lives and relationships and we’re always searching, constantly searching. Stop searching. Look around you. You could be missing out on something before your very eyes because you’re so caught up in things that don’t matter. Take some time to soak in the life you have been given. How can you make it better? How can you make it richer in things that matter? Stop comparing yourself and your life to the snapshot pieces you see of others. You’re usually only being shown the best parts. Everyone has woes and struggles in life. They are not exempt simply because you are unaware of them.

You have to learn to accept yourself and love yourself unconditionally. You matter and you should never ever let another person make you feel any differently. You should also never tell yourself otherwise. There are going to be people that are going to try and break you. They are going to make you question who you are. You must not let those people break you. You will not be accepted by everyone. It’s just a fact of life. It’s okay. You don’t have to be accepted by everyone. Their views and opinions of you are exactly that, THEIRS! They don’t have to influence your life unless you let them. The way you treat others is a direct reflection on yourself. The same goes for how people treat you; it is a direct reflection on themselves, not you.

I am learning to be more compassionate. I am learning to focus on the things in life that really matter. I am learning every day, and I will continue to do so for the rest of my life. Knowledge is power and when you use that power to better yourself, others, and the world around you it becomes a magnificent place– physically and mentally.

I am so very thankful for the person I have spoken about in this post. He has opened up a world for me that I was unaware was even closed to begin with. I am so very grateful for the life I have been given despite the set of circumstances I have been handed. I will persevere.

honestly,
me

Hello world!

As I stare at this blank screen, while lounging in sweats, I wonder what I should tell you about myself. I glance out the glass doors to a dimly lit grassy incline as the TV drones on in the background mixed with my Dad’s snoring. I’ve attempted so many blogs for various reasons, but I never seem to stick with them. I want this one to be different. I want this to be a place that I can be honest with myself and anyone who reads. That means things might not always be pretty. It also means that I’m opening myself up to criticism from complete strangers. People can be cruel and I wonder if opening myself up like this is a smart idea especially when I am constantly changing every minute of every day. Nevertheless, I’m doing it.

This blog is going to be a mix of everything from poetry to photographs to a basic journal of my life. I am currently reading a book titled, Change Your Thinking, Change Your Life by Brian Tracy. I am only a few chapters in, but man is it powerful! I have been going through a lot of emotional turmoil recently because of everything from failed relationships to being unemployed. I have felt more hopeless lately than I ever remember feeling in my life. It blows my mind how much my own thoughts can impact my world. Just because you’re presented with an unfortunate or unwanted circumstance, that doesn’t mean you have to let it ruin your day, month, or life. I’ll be the first to admit that my emotions usually rule my life. They dictate how my day goes and how well I sleep at night or not. It impacts the way I treat others. Recently, those things have been impacted negatively and I don’t like it. I don’t like who I am when I let my emotions rule me. Instead of wallowing in bed going unshowered for days, I’m tryinug to make an actual effort to change my life for the better. It may seem like I’m raving for this book, but that’s not the case. I had been making an unconscious effort to block the negativity from my life. I was laying in bed last night and couldn’t sleep. I had this book on my phone and the title caught my attention so I started reading. It’s like you’ve been on a road for miles and miles feeling like you’re going in the right direction but not completely sure, and then you see a sign that tells you you’re on the right path. I’ll keep you updated on my thoughts of the book and, of course, my progress.

I must also state that I really need to work on my personal relationships, family being a big one. I seem to shut them out because I don’t want them to worry about me and I can come off in a very negative way. I don’t want there to be tension with the most important people in my life and I, but surprisingly those are my hardest relationships. I am going to make them a priority to repair.

I am also trying to stop mindless gossip and being judgemental even in playful ways. I never want to hurt someone. I never want someone to feel less because of something I said or did. I know I can’t please everyone, but I don’t want to intentionally bring harm when I can help it. I have been at the wrong end of gossip and it really hurts and is extremely uncomfortable. Every single person on this planet has their own struggles. It’s time we start helping one another stand as opposed to knocking each other down.

This may seem a little heavy for a first, ‘Hello world!’, post but this is what’s on my mind. So, here’s some background information about me:

  • College graduate –> BAB in International Business
  • Currently unemployed for like 1.5 months (Ahh! I have no idea what I am doing or what I want to do)
  • I love nature and almost all bodies of water (ocean being my fave)
  • I write poetry (An English teacher would probably slash through my writings with lots of red ink)
  • I like taking pictures
  • Writing and reading are huge hobbies of mine
  • Besides the book previously stated, I’m also reading the Stephanie Plum series
  • I’m terrified of snakes and storms, but enjoy a peaceful rain
  • Country music will always be my fave even though I dabble in almost all genres
  • I would love to travel the world and see as much as possible
  • Costa Rica is the only other country I’ve been to besides the USA
  • I really want more GENUINE friendships. That area of my life is really lacking. If you would like to help me change that then please, by all means. I just ask you be real and honest. I’ll do the same.
  • I am shy and socially awkward
  • I think this world needs more love and kindness

If there’s anything else you would like to know, then please feel free to ask. I’ll answer anything I feel comfortable with. Join me in trying to make this a happier, better world filled with kindness and love.

honestly,
me