I have been on an emotional rollercoaster lately. I feel like I am becoming the woman that the little girl me would have been proud of. I don’t have the job and life accomplishments per se, but I am gaining this sense of self like I’ve never had before. I am becoming comfortable in my own skin. I feel like I no longer have to try and fit in with “the crowd” simply to not be alone. Today was a perfect example of me standing on my own. I felt a little alienated from a group of friends. I tried to strike up conversation, but no one seemed to bite the bait and run with it. It really upset me. We did a benefit walk and were walking alongside each other and I was upset. I decided to pick up the pace and actually be by myself. I walked alone. I “inhaled love and exhaled hate” a few times. I recognized why I was there. I was there for a cause. It wasn’t for the friends. I didn’t need them to complete my mission. I didn’t feel anxiety. I was still a little upset, but I felt proud as I held my head high and walked alone. It seems really simply and miniscule, but it can be applied to much bigger things.
Of course, I second guess myself still. However, at the end of the day, I try to tell myself that I am exactly where I need to be. There is no other path I should be on. No matter how good or bad, this is the EXACT moment that I am supposed to be in. It is making me a better person. It really resonates with and calms me. I am learning every day. I may not want a “test” to be thrown my way. Those “tests” make knock me on my ass, but as long as I recognize them and not ignore them, then I am succeeding.
I have had so much anxiety about a very near event in my life. I have been worrying and stressing. I have been crying. I have been writing. I have been begging and pleading to whomever might be “out there.” What it really comes down to is that whatever is meant to happen is going to happen. I cannot control the situation. I cannot try to manipulate the outcome. All I can do is be true to who I am, be comfortable with that truth, and have peace because of it. Things are how they are. I don’t have to justify myself. I don’t have to defend myself. I also don’t have to let someone make me feel bad because of decisions I have made or things that have happened to me, good or bad. People can choose to come and stay in my life or they can choose to leave. I will not lose myself because they choose to leave. I am just as much me before them and during them as I will be after. When they leave, they don’t take my character or integrity.
I read something once that said, “if there is no enemy within, the enemy beyond can do no harm.” If I have true peace within myself, the outside world cannot disrupt that. I have to trust myself and my judgement. I am good. I want to do good. When you truly accept yourself, you no longer need the acceptance of others to validate you. It’s a very empowering and peaceful feeling. I am realizing these things tonight and I am trusting my own intuition.