Tarot Cards… Do You Believe?

A friend of mine has recently rediscovered her tarot cards and is trying to understand them more and such. She does a daily reading for herself and keeps a little journal with her “findings.” Apparently,  ‘yes’ and ‘no’ questions are much harder to do / understand. While she was on the phone with me the other day, she did a reading for me, without my knowledge. She asked [the cards] if my significant other and I will get married. The card she received was The Empress. Her take on the answer to her question was a “yes, this is a great time.” She then asked if he and I would grow old together. The card she received was Death, which she took for a solid no.

That’s obviously not something you want to hear when you’re pursuing a forever relationship with someone. I have mixed feelings about readings in all forms. I’m not sure if I believe, but there’s part of me that says, “what if?” My thoughts on it are this:  if you could know the exact time and place of your death, would you want to know? If you could have the name of the person that you’re supposed to marry, would you want the name? My answers are no. Life is about the journey, not the end result. It all ends the same. Our physical bodies die. If you knew that the man you were supposed to marry was named Ethan, would you have experienced those life changing moments or seen the Grand Canyon with Tom? No, because you’ll want to get straight to your happily ever after with this Ethan.

You’re probably thinking, “so, what’s the problem? Clearly, this isn’t something you put much stock in.” True and false. I stay away from it because I don’t really understand it AND it’s just not something that I want to know. It seems to cloud an already overcast life. My friend meant no harm, of course. It’s something that she’s learning and interested in. So, she’s sharing that with me. I can’t help but be affected by it though. Should I talk to my significant other? If I do talk to him, am I just implanting the ideas of ending a relationship with me? Am I being crazy? Now, I have this little voice in my head going, “it’s not going to work out. You’re wasting both of your time. This, too, will end in heartbreak.” Part of me says, ignore it. You make your own life, but the other part of me says, “you’re ignoring the signs we’re trying to give you.”

If you’ve made it this far, I’m curious what your unbiased opinion is about tarot cards, readings, and all the different meanings. Should I take a chill pill and forget about all this or delve into some other option?

honestly,

me

Heartbroken

Are you a lover or a fighter? People ask this question all the time. I’ve always responded, “I’m a lover,” but am I not both? A true lover is a fighter because they never give up. The world tries to break you. People try to break you. And most of the time it’s not even personal. Most everyone is just doing what they can to get by and survive. Most people don’t even know what the hell they are doing. But if you truly love with all you have, you fight because you bear the hardest struggles because you care. A world without love is a treacherous place. People without love are sad beings with no hope. We are strong. We are capable.

Not every question has an answer. Not every problem has a solution. Truth isn’t the meaning of life; love is. Don’t get me wrong, I choose an honest life and I think everyone should. Honestly is ALWAYS the best policy. You can’t be your true self unless you can be honest and accept who you really are, even the deepest, darkest parts of yourself. I know, that is an impossibly scary thing for a lot of people. Would I like to have the answer to everything? Yes, of course. Is that necessarily possible in my lifetime or any of ours? Probably not.

Love, at is highest peak, is when someone can look you in the face and say they don’t want you and you still recognize your own self worth. “If there is no enemy within, the enemy outside can do no harm.” I believe this with every ounce of my being. Sure it hurts. Rejection hurts like hell. Many of people’s biggest fears are centered around rejection and being alone. In return, people “break their own hearts” and turn and run so a person can’t leave them. Can’t you see it’s still the same outcome? You’re still alone. Who wants to spend their whole life running so no one leaves you? No one, yet so many people do because of fear. At some point, you have to say, “I am not afraid. My fears do not control me,” and you have to constantly instill that within. We’re only human. The sad truth is that people do walk away, if not because they choose to, because death takes them.

Let me get personal for a moment. My heart was just completely broken. I’ve barely eaten or done anything the past few days. I haven’t been able to let myself even listen to music or write. I have felt so completely lost and just broken and empty. I have cried and tried to pick apart every little thing wrong with me. I have felt worthless and hated myself. I saw my whole life with this person. I looked into his eyes and I felt love without him even having to say it. I thought he was my person. I thought he felt the same, and maybe he did for a short while. I won’t get into the details, but he doesn’t want me or us anymore. I’ve begged and pleaded and did everything that I could think to get him to give me reasons why or change his mind. He mostly shut down and didn’t give me much. He’s not a cruel person. Sure he hasn’t handled things the right way, but he has his own demons (fears) that he’s fighting, and maybe he really thinks he gave me all that he could. I don’t know why he’s choosing to do what he’s doing, but he is. I can’t force him to love me or be with me. I may never understand the why. It sucks feeling so deeply that he and I are perfect for one another and that we could have this incredible life together, but having it all taken away without even a reason that I can comprehend. I can’t change it though. It is what it is.

It hurts, but I can’t just lay down and die. I am capable of a love that I never even imagined. I don’t want to be sad and miserable. I have to tell myself that if I could experience that type of love and it not even be meant for me then imagine how great the love that is meant for me will be. It’s hard to do when I saw everything I wanted in him and more and I still feel that way, but there’s nothing I can do if he still walks away after me pouring my heart out to him. I have to go on and persevere. I am strong. I am smart. I am beautiful. I am worthy. I am capable. I am not afraid to live life to the fullest that I can, even if it’s really hard at this very moment to get up and do so. I don’t know what I want to do with my life, but I know I want to spread kindness and love and never harbor hate in my heart.

I’m struggling. My heart is still so broken. The tears keep falling. I feel stronger today. I hope that I wake up feeling stronger tomorrow and even stronger the next day. Only time will tell, but I’m not giving up. The pain will not control me. The fears will not own me. I am not afraid. I am not afraid. I am not afraid.

honestly,
me

New Beginnings

It’s well after midnight. The house is still except for my fan droning on in the background. I have been a ball of emotions lately, and that probably speaks as to why I am up so late. Sleep has not been finding me easily because my brain is on overdrive. So much in my life has changed recently that I don’t even know where to begin. Not so long ago I was a woman so lost in life. I had lost hope and sight of so many things that had been rooted in my very core. I’ve spent so many nights cursing the world and the gods and my own mind as I cried into my tear stained pillows.

I began this journey of self love and positivity. It’s not always easy, but even in this short amount of time, it has changed me for the better. I no longer feel like this weak little girl afraid of the world, but like a strong woman ready to embrace the future and whatever it may hold. I am so very happy that I have stayed and continue to stay true to myself. Confidence really is beautiful. It says that you have faith in yourself and that you are capable. Confidence doesn’t mean that you don’t doubt yourself at times or that you aren’t afraid of failure. It says that you won’t let fear stop you from achieving the things you set out to achieve. It says you aren’t afraid to try.

I want to reiterate how very proud I am of my brothers. One is leading, what I consider to be a very successful life, with the woman he loves and my beautiful and smart little niece. That darling child has brought so much joy to our lives. He is one of the best fathers that I know. My other brother is overcoming struggles that he has faced for quite some time now. He is persevering in spite of the statistics and odds stacked against him. I think there have been times where he has felt like the runt of the litter, so to speak, but I dare say he might be the strongest out of us if he continues on this path of perseverance.

I have been honest and vulnerable thus far on this blog and I want to continue to do so. I know that by doing so, I continue to open myself up to the possibility of negativity and backlash, but if there is one person that reads what I have to say and it positively affects their life in some way then it’s worth it to me. I have spoken of a wonderful man recently. He and I have spent real, quality time together and we have made some decisions. First, we completely and utterly adore one another. I genuinely cannot adequately put into words the way we feel about one another or the way we make each other feel. It is beyond extraordinary.

Ever since I was a little girl, the main thing I wanted in life was extraordinary love. Love is my passion in life. I want others to feel it and I want to spread it, if only at the very basic level of kindness. I have had relationships over the years that were good, solid relationships, but I always felt like something was missing from them and I could never place my finger on it. Over time, I began to feel like there was something wrong with me and that I had these unrealistic expectations. I thought that maybe I was the one that was incapable of love. Then came the time where I gave up on love. I only sought out relationships in the form of friendship and I started focusing completely on bettering myself. Then comes this person completely out of the blue and my heart says, “I know.”

I never fully understood the concept of “when you know, you know.” I have questioned multiple people saying, “but what do you mean by that. How do I know that I know?” They respond, “you’ll just know.” It used to frustrate me beyond words. Honestly, I didn’t believe it. Then I met him, and I just know. I can’t explain it to you. I can’t tell you why. It just is. Trust me, coming from a person who was once a non-believer of the know, you won’t question whether or not you know when it happens. You can try and question it, understand it, reason with yourself and validate your feelings, but deep down you’ll know.

With that being said, I’m taking a leap. I’m moving approximately 6 hours away to be with him and he’s choosing to not move 10 hours away to go back home. I’m making this move in a little over a week! We have made arrangements. We’re both young, relatively speaking, and at a point in our lives where we can go or do anything that we want. We are choosing to move forward together in the same direction. Have we known each other a short time? Yes. Does it matter? No. Are we aware of the risks and potential for failure? Yes. Does that change our minds? No. I know that not everyone will agree with our decision and some people will think we are completely insane, and it’s okay. I have to do what is right for me. I am the only person that gets to live my life. Every mistake, every accomplishment, every failure, every success is going to be because of a decision I have made. That’s something I can live with. Risks are called risks for a reason. There is uncertainty and unpredictability involved, but if you don’t take some risks then you’ll never truly know the greatness that can be obtained or achieved. Surprisingly, or not, the vast majority of the people in our lives are supportive and happy for us. If you could hear and see the way we talk about one another, then you would understand why.

The main thing I want you to take from the overload of personal information is to do what is best for you. I do think that you should follow your heart, but take your brain with you. Make informed decisions. Always stay true to yourself and you will persevere. You have in you more strength than you are aware that you’re capable of. Have faith.

I will be extremely busy preparing for the move this week. I am already in the process of packing and cleaning and getting my affairs in order. I will be meeting his grandparents for the first time when I make the move. The following day, we will make a 10 hour drive or so to his parents’ house (so he can pick up some belongings) and I will be meeting them for the first time. Once we’re back and settled, I’ll be in active job search mode. I am most nervous about those initial meet and greets though. It’s such a short time away. I feel like I should have some type of gift that says “thank you for welcoming me into your home”  for the grandparents and the parents, but I have no idea what to get. I’ve searched and searching online, hoping to find something that piqued my interest but I haven’t had much luck. I don’t want to get anything elaborate or expensive, just something simple and thoughtful. If you have any suggestions at all, please share them with me. 

I plan to keep you all updated on my journey and I plan to stay focused on being a positive person and spreading that positivity. Kindness is something that I fully promote, as well. Here’s to this crazy adventure that I am about to embark on and the beginning of a new chapter in my life, and here’s to you and taking your own risks in life and accomplishing goals.

honestly,
me

My Cup Runneth Over

Some days your heart is so completely full that you want to burst into tears because it’s so overwhelming. Nothing extraordinary has happened. I have been sick this past week and, for others reasons, it has not the been the best week. Today, I woke with a blinding migraine. I had no choice but to sleep it off. I am feeling much better now after having some soup.

Still, I am so overwhelmingly thankful today. Things still aren’t perfect. I’m still unemployed. Like I mentioned above, I’ve been sick and in bed for days, but I’m just so grateful for this life I have been given. My brothers’ lives are moving in the right direction. I’ve met people that have restored my faith in humanity a bit. I’ve reconnected with some old friends. I have a bestfriend that I could tell anything in the world and she would still accept me. To top it all off, I’ve met this wonderful man that just warms my heart.

Kindness makes me happy.
Love makes me happy.
Seeing other people full of love and kindness and with happy hearts, makes me happy. I wish everyone would strive to be better and do better. Sure, there are bad people in this world and people that will take advantage of you. You have to continue to find the beautiful in the ugly, though. You have to not give up. It’s so very, very easy to give up. All the bad days seem worth it when you have those good days and days of understanding, though.

Always try to make room in your heart for compassion for others. I’ve had people tell me that one person can’t change the world. Darling, I beg to differ. All it takes is one person brave enough to make a stand and one person to believe in that person. It’s a domino effect of one persons and, before you know it, you’re changing the world together for the better.

I challenge you to be the one person bettering this world. Try it. Let your kindness catch like wildfire. It’s something this world can never have too much of.

honestly,
me

p.s. this is completely random, but if you use a ‘hot toddy’ or ‘grandpa’s cough medicine’ recipe and wouldn’t mind sharing it with me, I would be ever so grateful. Mine was an epic fail and totally gag-worthy. 

Passerby

Conversation is a dying art form.
It will soon be viewed in museums,
mostly passed by as an uninteresting exhibit.
People will move on to the portraits beside it
of picturesque beauty, with snippets of an ideal life.

“I want it all and once I have it, I want more,
unless, of course, you want to give it freely.”
It’s a catch and release sort of life.
“I want you until I have you, then want not.”

Don’t you ever get tired of the constant chase?
Isn’t there a hand you want to always hold?
Or is fear the only thing you’ll hold onto?

I have this large heart, vacancy sign lit,
but I am nothing more than a vacation spot.

They always come, but they always go.

cls09222015

One for the Books– A Day to Remember

I am pretty tired, but I want to write about some things while they are very fresh on my mind.

Have you ever met someone that completely changed your life? They didn’t do anything life-changing. They are probably totally unaware that they had the sort of impact on your world that moves mountains, but they changed you.

Today, I met an extraordinary person. We have known each other for a short while, thanks to technology these days. We had a remarkable day exploring a town neither of us was familiar with. We laughed and the conversation flowed like a mountain stream, uninterrupted and so easily. I have been blessed with people throughout my life that I’m thankful to know and have known, but I have never met anyone like this individual. He has the kindest eyes I’ve ever seen. He is so genuine and engaging. I am so very thankful that I got a chance to spend time with him. I will forever cherish this day.

It’s about more than just good conversation and laughs. His presence empowers me. He has breathed into me renewed life. The way he speaks and his compassion for others captivates you. I cannot adequately put into words how incredible he is.

We can never be sure what the future holds. I can only hope that he is someone that will be in my life for a very long time. At the very least, he has given me a memory that I will forever hold dear to my heart.

People come and go in life. It hurts a lot of times when they go, especially if you don’t want to let them go. I strongly believe that everything happens for a reason. You can find beauty in every single situation. There is no exception. I am constantly learning that.

You are not a prison. You can’t contain everything you love in a room and hold it there forever. People are meant to grow and live. You have to learn to cherish the moments you are given and let go of the pain. You cannot regret something that once made you happy just because it no longer brings you happiness. You have to let go. I am one of those people that want to hold onto everything. It is so hard for me to let things and people go. It hurts. It hurts like hell.

Like a caterpillar must go through changes to become a butterfly, we too have to go through changes to become better. It can sometimes be impossible to see in the moment. I have been in that place more times than I can count. I have cursed my life and the choices I have made. I have beat myself down mentally with thoughts of worthlessness and telling myself that I don’t deserve anything.

It’s not true. Everyone is worthy. Everyone deserves the very best. Your mistakes and circumstances do not define you. I’ve said it before, but I can’t say it enough. Do not let the past beat you down. You have to stand back up and face the world head on. Don’t let the world harden you and take your compassion. Don’t let your own fears stifle you.

We live in a world, now, where people are more worried about keeping up with the constant stream of social media as opposed to the people in their very presence. Put down your phones. Interact with people in real life. We all want these beautiful lives and relationships and we’re always searching, constantly searching. Stop searching. Look around you. You could be missing out on something before your very eyes because you’re so caught up in things that don’t matter. Take some time to soak in the life you have been given. How can you make it better? How can you make it richer in things that matter? Stop comparing yourself and your life to the snapshot pieces you see of others. You’re usually only being shown the best parts. Everyone has woes and struggles in life. They are not exempt simply because you are unaware of them.

You have to learn to accept yourself and love yourself unconditionally. You matter and you should never ever let another person make you feel any differently. You should also never tell yourself otherwise. There are going to be people that are going to try and break you. They are going to make you question who you are. You must not let those people break you. You will not be accepted by everyone. It’s just a fact of life. It’s okay. You don’t have to be accepted by everyone. Their views and opinions of you are exactly that, THEIRS! They don’t have to influence your life unless you let them. The way you treat others is a direct reflection on yourself. The same goes for how people treat you; it is a direct reflection on themselves, not you.

I am learning to be more compassionate. I am learning to focus on the things in life that really matter. I am learning every day, and I will continue to do so for the rest of my life. Knowledge is power and when you use that power to better yourself, others, and the world around you it becomes a magnificent place– physically and mentally.

I am so very thankful for the person I have spoken about in this post. He has opened up a world for me that I was unaware was even closed to begin with. I am so very grateful for the life I have been given despite the set of circumstances I have been handed. I will persevere.

honestly,
me

A Full Heart

My heart is full tonight. I spent the evening fishing and enjoy some sunshine with the bestie. I only caught one fish, catch and release, but I had a blast. It was so nice out. I then went and spent some time with a friend that I haven’t seen in a short while. That was nice as well. Overall, it was a great day. It’s a beautiful night. If I weren’t so sleepy and it so late, I’d be inclined to sit outside and soak it in.

My day (that I previously wrote about) got slightly better. I ended up talking with my bestie and spilling my woes. It was good to talk about it. Everyone has bad days. It’s okay to have a bad day. Sometimes you just have to have those days where you don’t do much. You shouldn’t get so down on yourself, like I tend to do. Wake the next day and try to have a better day. Some days all you can do is try.

I’m feeling motivated again about life. I want to try new things and work toward finding a career that I can put my time into. My friend said he’d look over my resume and help me “perfect” it as much as possible. I’m ready to start living. I think I have some new friendships budding. It’s too early to tell, but I’m having an open and hopeful mind. I might get to go to a little festival tomorrow with my bestie and a couple other people. I plan to ride on a motorcycle for the first time Saturday. I’m super nervous but, like I said, I’m trying new things. Sunday, the friend I spent time with tonight and I are wanting to try out a new church. We plan to do that Sunday morning and then go fishing. I’m hoping for a really good weekend. I need to fit some time in to do my free online classes since I’m slightly slacking on those deadlines.

Tonight, I’m thankful for good days and the friendships I have. I’m thankful for days that fill my heart.

honestly,
me

Coming Together

Today has been a really good day. It was rainy and dreary out, but there were breaks in the weather. My middle brother and I went to the park and swung. It was so much fun. I haven’t done that in years. There was no one there because of the weather. So, we had the place to ourselves. I haven’t spent “real” time with my brother in years. We’ve been around each other, but this was different. It was just he and I laughing and talking. It brought me back to my childhood and it was really nice. He has been “gone” for a really long time and now he’s trying to better himself. I truly hope he’s able to. I miss him, the real him. Change is hard and trying to change bad habits in a not so healthy environment is even harder. I hope he perseveres. My Mom and I are staying the night at my youngest brother’s house tonight. We’re going to watch my niece while he works and his fiancée attends to her plans tomorrow. Speaking of my sweet, little adorable niece. She said my name for the first time today! I was so super excited. I don’t get to see her often so it totally made my day. I played with her a lot and took some videos and pictures of her being cute. She is one of the sweetest kids. She’s happy almost all the time. She eats like a champ and usually goes to bed without any fuss. She is growing like a weed!

I was looking at her tonight and thinking how pure and honest she is, how all children are like that. (She’s one and a half, by the way.) They just want to be loved. They don’t see hate or discriminate. They are love. I wish more people were like that in the world. There would be no judgement. Children really are such precious little things.

On a different note, I’m really proud of myself today. For one, I’ve been able to appreciate my day in the moment and keep my thoughts positive. Two, I’ve kept myself out of drama. There were a couple moments today where I could have stuck my nose in a place that didn’t concern me, and I almost did, but I thought before I spoke and kept my mouth closed. Not every battle is mine. There was also a moment where I could have “gossiped” pointless information just to talk. It was completely unimportant and not necessary for the other party to know. It’s so easy to want to mindlessly share negative information, and today I stopped myself and didn’t. These may seem like minor things, but they are huge to me.

I was reading about forgiveness today and how even a single unforgiven person in your life can be the cause of your destruction and unhappiness. In order to be truly settled, you have to forgive EVERY single person in your life. In a way, forgiveness is really a “selfish” act. You don’t have to condone what the other person has done to you, but you can forgive them for yourself. By not forgiving them, you give them control over you every single time you are revisited by how they hurt you. Take that control back by letting them go and letting the pain they caused you go.

The book I was reading also talked about how you should forgive yourself. Forgive yourself for everything you’ve done. You can’t move forward with your life if you continue to visit all the reasons why you aren’t worthy of having a successful / happy life. It was quite insightful to say the least. If you’re having problems with forgiveness in your life and you want to overcome them, then please let me know. I am no expert, by any means, but I can point you to a resource that is really helping me. Plus, I don’t mind being an extra set of ears if you need some. Don’t let the people that hurt or wronged you for whatever reason continue to have control over your life. If you’re like me, don’t stand in your own way of success either. I don’t mean to preach. I just wanted to share some things that really stuck with me from my reading.

honestly,
me

Thankful– A Boring Day

Tonight, I reconnected with a friend of mine and it made me really happy. I went from having a somewhat down in the dumps day to feeling pretty good about this day. It’s all about perspective and I’m still trying so very hard to have a positive outlook more times than not. I wish I would have appreciated this day more in the moment as opposed to at the very end of it. Nothing extravagant happened and I was relatively bored. Now that I’m reflecting on my day, I see the significance of this boring day.

Here’s how it went:  I woke up and went to work with my Dad for a bit. That included riding around with him and checking on some jobs and such. We also had to pick some things up from Home Depot and I scratched my hands all to heck on some type of wiring. I spent the rest of the day at my Grandma’s, with my Dad, in front of the TV and on my computer. We grabbed some Dairy Queen for dinner.

Doesn’t sound like a really interesting day, right? That’s correct in some ways, but here’s why I’m thankful for this boring day. I got to spend some time with my Dad. Granted a lot of it was spent not really talking and us doing our own thing, but we were in each other’s presence nevertheless. I live out of state and don’t see my family as often as I’d like or should. Every moment that I’m able to spend with them is important. One day, I’m going to look back on these boring days and wish I could give all the money in the world just to have a sliver of that moment back. I pray that day is a long, long time from now.

I’m laying here on my Grandma’s couch with her little doggy beside me. Crickets are playing in the background and all else is silent except for the clicking of my keyboard. It’s the wee hours of the morning and I should be sound asleep, but I’m really soaking in how thankful I am. Just a few hours ago I was feeling melancholy all because I couldn’t get out of my head. Now, I’m overwhelmingly thankful for the same reasons I was bored earlier. Forgive me if I’m repetitive. I am a wee bit tired.

If I could have you take something from this post, it would be to live in the moment. Appreciate each and every thing even if it seems uneventful. Life is all about perspective. It reminds me of the example of going back in the future in movies and such. You have to make sure to stay on the path and not move off for even the slightest moment. If you were to harm even one tiny little insignificant mosquito, you could alter the entire future for the whole of humanity. Moments that seem irrelevant now could become some of your most significant memories later in life. So, make them all count.

honestly,
me