Heartbroken

Are you a lover or a fighter? People ask this question all the time. I’ve always responded, “I’m a lover,” but am I not both? A true lover is a fighter because they never give up. The world tries to break you. People try to break you. And most of the time it’s not even personal. Most everyone is just doing what they can to get by and survive. Most people don’t even know what the hell they are doing. But if you truly love with all you have, you fight because you bear the hardest struggles because you care. A world without love is a treacherous place. People without love are sad beings with no hope. We are strong. We are capable.

Not every question has an answer. Not every problem has a solution. Truth isn’t the meaning of life; love is. Don’t get me wrong, I choose an honest life and I think everyone should. Honestly is ALWAYS the best policy. You can’t be your true self unless you can be honest and accept who you really are, even the deepest, darkest parts of yourself. I know, that is an impossibly scary thing for a lot of people. Would I like to have the answer to everything? Yes, of course. Is that necessarily possible in my lifetime or any of ours? Probably not.

Love, at is highest peak, is when someone can look you in the face and say they don’t want you and you still recognize your own self worth. “If there is no enemy within, the enemy outside can do no harm.” I believe this with every ounce of my being. Sure it hurts. Rejection hurts like hell. Many of people’s biggest fears are centered around rejection and being alone. In return, people “break their own hearts” and turn and run so a person can’t leave them. Can’t you see it’s still the same outcome? You’re still alone. Who wants to spend their whole life running so no one leaves you? No one, yet so many people do because of fear. At some point, you have to say, “I am not afraid. My fears do not control me,” and you have to constantly instill that within. We’re only human. The sad truth is that people do walk away, if not because they choose to, because death takes them.

Let me get personal for a moment. My heart was just completely broken. I’ve barely eaten or done anything the past few days. I haven’t been able to let myself even listen to music or write. I have felt so completely lost and just broken and empty. I have cried and tried to pick apart every little thing wrong with me. I have felt worthless and hated myself. I saw my whole life with this person. I looked into his eyes and I felt love without him even having to say it. I thought he was my person. I thought he felt the same, and maybe he did for a short while. I won’t get into the details, but he doesn’t want me or us anymore. I’ve begged and pleaded and did everything that I could think to get him to give me reasons why or change his mind. He mostly shut down and didn’t give me much. He’s not a cruel person. Sure he hasn’t handled things the right way, but he has his own demons (fears) that he’s fighting, and maybe he really thinks he gave me all that he could. I don’t know why he’s choosing to do what he’s doing, but he is. I can’t force him to love me or be with me. I may never understand the why. It sucks feeling so deeply that he and I are perfect for one another and that we could have this incredible life together, but having it all taken away without even a reason that I can comprehend. I can’t change it though. It is what it is.

It hurts, but I can’t just lay down and die. I am capable of a love that I never even imagined. I don’t want to be sad and miserable. I have to tell myself that if I could experience that type of love and it not even be meant for me then imagine how great the love that is meant for me will be. It’s hard to do when I saw everything I wanted in him and more and I still feel that way, but there’s nothing I can do if he still walks away after me pouring my heart out to him. I have to go on and persevere. I am strong. I am smart. I am beautiful. I am worthy. I am capable. I am not afraid to live life to the fullest that I can, even if it’s really hard at this very moment to get up and do so. I don’t know what I want to do with my life, but I know I want to spread kindness and love and never harbor hate in my heart.

I’m struggling. My heart is still so broken. The tears keep falling. I feel stronger today. I hope that I wake up feeling stronger tomorrow and even stronger the next day. Only time will tell, but I’m not giving up. The pain will not control me. The fears will not own me. I am not afraid. I am not afraid. I am not afraid.

honestly,
me

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Light the Way

I am in a very contemplative mood tonight. I continue to wonder why people do and say the things they do and say. We truly are complex creatures.

My current playlist consists of James Blunt on shuffle. My room is a complete wreck. The temperature in the room is somewhere around a slightly uncomfortable 78 degrees Fahrenheit. Don’t fret for me; I have a fan working overtime to send slightly cool wisps of air my way.

So, back to these train-wrecked thoughts of mine. Will I ever continue on a flowing stream of uninterrupted happiness and calm? No, probably not. Change is the only constant and it is anything but a continuous, calm path. I have to continue to remind myself of this.

I have had so many lovely and wonderful ups lately. They are mostly thanks to a wonderful individual that I sometimes feel as if I’ve known my whole life. However, he is this uncharted region that I very much want to explore, but the thoughts of the unknown terrify me. I am speaking on an assumption, but I feel that it is quite rare to meet someone with whom your soul seems to completely align with. It’s like you’re standing out in the night staring up at the same moon, while you hold the same book in each of your hands. You’re reading the same lines of the book simultaneously from afar and completely unaware that you are doing so until you share with one another. It’s a very rare book that only the two of you seem to know. That’s crazy, right?! It’s crazy wonderful and crazy scary. They say love knows no age. Maybe it knows no time either. I’m going to say it. I might possibly be falling in love with this guy. Of course, that’s our little secret here. You’ll get to witness my heartbreak now if all goes to hell in a hand-basket.

Seriously though, I’m the happiest that I have been since I don’t know when. I have made myself vulnerable and demolished most all of my walls. In a way, I have given him the key to me and said, “take a look around, make yourself at home.” Of course, I’m fearful of the potential havoc he could wreak. One of my biggest fears is being deceived. I have these thoughts of “if it seems too good to be true, then it probably is.” It’s hard to shut those thoughts out. I continue to try though. Do what makes you happy until it doesn’t.

I tell myself myself, “look how far you have already come; look at the things you have dealt with. Look at you! You continue to survive!” It’s true. I’ve been broken down so many times and each time seems to get progressively worse. There have been moments when I felt that was all there was. I wasn’t going to make it out alive this time. I was finally going to be destroyed once and for all, yet here I am. I persevered. I will continue to do so. I can be shattered into millions of pieces, but guess what? I will put myself back together. It’s this special power I have. I don’t always see and understand this in those moments of heartache, but in the end, I always stand back up.

In the meantime, I have to continue to grow for myself. I have to continue to strive for a happy and good life. I still think it’s unhealthy to rest the weight of your happiness on another’s shoulders. Everyone has their own struggles and sometimes, those alone, are too much to bear. There’s is nothing wrong with letting another become the light that brightens your day, but develop your own light. Even the Sun can’t shine in a single place for all of time. You have to be capable of lighting your own way. I am still learning this and trying oh so hard to implement it into action. It’s a struggle.

There are lots of changes that my future is about to take. There are lots of decisions that need to be made. I hope dearly that I make the ones that are right for me. How do I know what the right decision is? I don’t, necessarily. I’m trying to balance my heart and mind and not let too much of one take over. It’s a process. I guess the only thing I can do is to do what I feel is right and is also feasible. I have to stay true to myself and not let my judgement become clouded from fear. Fear will not run my life. I want a life based on love and happiness and spreading those things. Fear just gets in the way.

Here’s to the unknown and the adventures life takes us on.

honestly,
me

I Have to Trust Myself

I have been on an emotional rollercoaster lately. I feel like I am becoming the woman that the little girl me would have been proud of. I don’t have the job and life accomplishments per se, but I am gaining this sense of self like I’ve never had before. I am becoming comfortable in my own skin. I feel like I no longer have to try and fit in with “the crowd” simply to not be alone. Today was a perfect example of me standing on my own. I felt a little alienated from a group of friends. I tried to strike up conversation, but no one seemed to bite the bait and run with it. It really upset me. We did a benefit walk and were walking alongside each other and I was upset. I decided to pick up the pace and actually be by myself. I walked alone. I “inhaled love and exhaled hate” a few times. I recognized why I was there. I was there for a cause. It wasn’t for the friends. I didn’t need them to complete my mission. I didn’t feel anxiety. I was still a little upset, but I felt proud as I held my head high and walked alone. It seems really simply and miniscule, but it can be applied to much bigger things.

Of course, I second guess myself still. However, at the end of the day, I try to tell myself that I am exactly where I need to be. There is no other path I should be on. No matter how good or bad, this is the EXACT moment that I am supposed to be in. It is making me a better person. It really resonates with and calms me. I am learning every day. I may not want a “test” to be thrown my way. Those “tests” make knock me on my ass, but as long as I recognize them and not ignore them, then I am succeeding.

I have had so much anxiety about a very near event in my life. I have been worrying and stressing. I have been crying. I have been writing. I have been begging and pleading to whomever might be “out there.” What it really comes down to is that whatever is meant to happen is going to happen. I cannot control the situation. I cannot try to manipulate the outcome. All I can do is be true to who I am, be comfortable with that truth, and have peace because of it. Things are how they are. I don’t have to justify myself. I don’t have to defend myself. I also don’t have to let someone make me feel bad because of decisions I have made or things that have happened to me, good or bad. People can choose to come and stay in my life or they can choose to leave. I will not lose myself because they choose to leave. I am just as much me before them and during them as I will be after. When they leave, they don’t take my character or integrity.

I read something once that said, “if there is no enemy within, the enemy beyond can do no harm.” If I have true peace within myself, the outside world cannot disrupt that. I have to trust myself and my judgement. I am good. I want to do good. When you truly accept yourself, you no longer need the acceptance of others to validate you. It’s a very empowering and peaceful feeling. I am realizing these things tonight and I am trusting my own intuition.

honestly,
me

Understanding Religion

I had a very deep and thought-provoking conversation with my bestie today. I’m going to share those thoughts, to the best of my ability, here. I’m going to warn you that it focuses largely on religion and your view will likely differ from mine. If you choose to make an assumption about me or respond, I ask that you completely read what I have to say before doing so.

I have recently been trying to make an actual effort to change myself for the better, as you may have read about in my previous posts. While doing so, I have been reaching within myself to learn about my beliefs and what makes me who I am. I am trying to become secure in the person that I am and choose to be and stand by my beliefs, even if they are potentially incorrect. We are only human and part of being human is continually changing and evolving. You cannot better yourself unless you are open to change and being told you are wrong. Part of growing is learning. My views are always changing and that’s okay. I am allowed to change my mind and so are you. I do not think that someone should ever say, “this is the way it has always been done and this is how I’m going to do it” or “this is just how I was raised and taught.” I think people should question things, especially if it is important to you. You should strive to learn about something and make the decision to do it or believe in something because it is YOUR CHOICE, and not a decision that someone or something has made for you.

With that being said, I grew up around Christian faith. We were not in church every Sunday or even very often at all. In my 5th year of school, I attended a private Christian school. As I got a little older, I would attend Wednesday night services with friends. I was taught about God and Jesus and the basics of being a Christian. Present day, I occasionally attend Sunday church. I have always somewhat identified myself as Christian in viewpoint, although I have never been baptised. I do pray to Jesus/God, but not regularly. I’ll be honest, I do not know much about Christianity. I cannot quote the Bible. I am not even completely knowledgeable about some of the basic and well known stories that even children know.

I have been wanting to go to church and try and learn more about the Christian faith and what exactly it means to be a Christian. I have tried to do so on my own, but I get so frustrated because I’ll read something that I don’t agree with or fully understand and stop. Ironically enough, a really good friend of mine, invited me to try a new church with him this past Sunday. I, of course, said yes. It is quite a large church and a little intimidating though. I felt a little awkward during the singing since it’s not natural for me, but I tried to really focus on the words being sung and the message from the preacher. The sermon was part three of a series explaining the mission of the church and what it means to be a growing disciple. There was a moment when those baptised were invited to participate in taking in the body and blood of Christ. In the moment, I wasn’t completely sure if you had to be baptized or not to participate and I was beyond anxious. My thoughts were running on fast forward and I was trying to decided whether or not I should participate. I was scared that I would be judged and feel embarrassed if I didn’t. My friend asked me if I was going up there and I repeated the question to him. He said yes and stood. I waved him past me and stayed seated. I was so anxious that I was sweating and wanted to cry. I stayed calm and listened to the message. When it came down to it, I wasn’t comfortable participating because I have not been baptised and it didn’t feel right to participate in something that I still have so many questions about. Although, I was so embarrassed on the inside, I stayed true to what I believed right and I didn’t want to do something just because everyone else was doing it. I did what was right for me and stayed true to myself. By the way, no one looked at me weird or laughed at me. No one judged me. My feelings were all fears from the inside. No one made me feel uncomfortable.

The preacher talked about becoming a disciple of Christ and how you shouldn’t do so just because others are. You shouldn’t just take someone else’s word. You should seek out Christ for yourself. If you have questions and doubts, you should address them. I really liked that and I want to see about attending some study sessions that were listed because I do have a lot of questions and doubts and I would like to be better informed. I want to learn about Christianity because it is something that is important to me and I’m tired of not fully understanding.

I don’t know where I stand on religion. I know what I have been taught, but I cannot blindly believe in something that I don’t fully understand. My thoughts are:

if I am truly a good person and I strive to continue to be a good person, if I try to better others and the world around me and not bring harm, then I don’t know how any god would damn me to Hell or wherever. My issue with my experiences with the Bible is that it is very contradictory at times and that makes it very frustrating to follow. I am told that you should fear God, but why if he is this forgiving and loving God? If I am meant to worship and live for God and not myself, then what is the point of this current life?

Let me explain further what I mean by this. I already know I am striking a match and tossing it into kerosene with the following example and comparison that I am going to use. It’s the best way that I know how to explain what I am trying to say though. I am not saying the two are equal! Here is the best simplification I can give:

Hitler was a leader and ruler. People were suppose to follow him and do as he said. He wanted to kill a lot of innocent people based on his beliefs. Had everyone did exactly as he said, then the world would be a lot different. Sometimes leaders are wrong and it takes someone standing up for their beliefs and fighting back for what is right. Now apply the same concept to God. He is the leader and ruler. People are suppose to follow him and do as he says. I am suppose to worship him and live only by what he says. It doesn’t matter if I’m a good person; if I don’t live as he says I should live, then I am going to Hell.

That is where my issue is. I cannot fathom a god feeling that way, especially a forgiving and loving God. IF God is that way, then I have some issues and I feel that he is wrong. Before you go sending me hate mail, please try and understand. I am not saying that God is wrong because I don’t have all of the facts, nor do I have the luxury of asking God himself. If you are Christian, even thinking something like that is probably considered blasphemy. I am not trying to turn people from religion. DO NOT BASE YOUR BELIEFS OFF READING ANYTHING IN THIS POST. If this brings up questions for you, then I encourage you to search for answers and do what is right for you and what you believe.

To touch on some other things that rub me the wrong way when speaking of Christianity and viewpoints… Gay marriage is a big and controversial topic right now. I am not 100 percent sure if marriage is a Christian belief. I do know that the government and law of the land has made it a human belief. Christians are not the only people that get married. Everyone around the world gets married. If marriage was a Christian thing then I could completely understand it being between one man and one man and a unity between the two. However, the law of the land has made it something that affects your life beyond religion. Your taxes, all legal documents, and even your possessions are affected by it. Therefore, I don’t think it is anyone’s right to say that two men shouldn’t be married or two women shouldn’t be married. If you are not gay or lesbian then it does not affect your life. Let people marry who they want to marry and go about your business. If you believe that it is between a man and women then good for you. There is nothing wrong with that. There is enough hate in this world. If someone is trying to add some love to it, then by all means go for it, in my opinion.

I would also like to add a tidbit about abortion. I was speaking with the same friend, that I went to church with, a few days ago about this topic. He is pro life and I am pro choice. He said that he believes everything happens for a reason and that abortion shouldn’t be allowed. My response was that if he believed that everything happened for a reason, and since abortion is still legal in places, did he feel that way about the babies that are aborted… that it happened for a reason. His response was a no and that he did not think God ever meant for anyone to be killed. If he believes that then he does not believe that everything happens for a reason. I am fairly certain that he supports our troops and war, so if he believes that God doesn’t mean for anyone to be killed then what about the soldiers risking their lives and eliminating the enemy? They are very contradicting thoughts. I am not bashing his view or anyone else’s. I am no where near perfect and contradicting, at times, myself. I am trying to learn and understand though.

Now to speak about the Bible, itself. I wish, oh how I wish, I had access to the Vatican and the original scrolls. I wish I could understand all of the different languages so I could read the original word of God for myself. Nevertheless, I can’t. There are so many different languages and when translated they don’t always mean the same thing. Humans, themselves, interpret everything differently. So, to put all my trust into a book written by all these different humans that interpret things in different ways is hard for me to do. If you have studied foreign languages then you know that there are some words and phrases that can’t even be fully translated. I realize that there were all these scholars and such that translated the Bible, but who am I to say they were correct? I want to believe they are and that it is the actual word, but I have my doubts. Speaking from an American perspective, we live in a world where everything we do and say is based off of the media and news. We aren’t always given the full story and we are fed to act and dress whatever way is deemed “fashionable” at the time. I don’t want to think that someone came along and purposefully, or accidentally even, mistranslated the Bible for ulterior motives. Don’t call me a conspiracy theorist. I am not. I would not have spent this much time trying to sort my thoughts out into this post if this wasn’t something that is important to me.

Christianity is the religion that I am currently trying to focus on. My goal is to read the Bible in it’s entirety and understand it to the best of my ability. I am open to learning about other religions and even if you believe fully in a certain religion, I think it’s healthy to be knowledgeable about the other religions. Christians, themselves, can be so judgemental. I just had a friend the other day say that he didn’t really know what he believed. He was raised Christian, but Christians were so judgemental and it rubbed him the wrong way. I told him to not turn from a religion strictly because of the people that make up the religion. Making mistakes is human nature. He should focus on the message of the religion itself and apply it to himself as opposed to how the people act.

Please don’t send me hate mail. It will be deleted and ignored if you do. If you want to talk further with me about any of this, I encourage you to do so and I would like to hear what your viewpoint is. If you feel the need to attack me, refrain. If you would like to have a conversation, then by all means. Information should be shared and talked about, not pushed down throats or blindly ignored because there is disagreement.

honestly,
me