Tarot Cards… Do You Believe?

A friend of mine has recently rediscovered her tarot cards and is trying to understand them more and such. She does a daily reading for herself and keeps a little journal with her “findings.” Apparently,  ‘yes’ and ‘no’ questions are much harder to do / understand. While she was on the phone with me the other day, she did a reading for me, without my knowledge. She asked [the cards] if my significant other and I will get married. The card she received was The Empress. Her take on the answer to her question was a “yes, this is a great time.” She then asked if he and I would grow old together. The card she received was Death, which she took for a solid no.

That’s obviously not something you want to hear when you’re pursuing a forever relationship with someone. I have mixed feelings about readings in all forms. I’m not sure if I believe, but there’s part of me that says, “what if?” My thoughts on it are this:  if you could know the exact time and place of your death, would you want to know? If you could have the name of the person that you’re supposed to marry, would you want the name? My answers are no. Life is about the journey, not the end result. It all ends the same. Our physical bodies die. If you knew that the man you were supposed to marry was named Ethan, would you have experienced those life changing moments or seen the Grand Canyon with Tom? No, because you’ll want to get straight to your happily ever after with this Ethan.

You’re probably thinking, “so, what’s the problem? Clearly, this isn’t something you put much stock in.” True and false. I stay away from it because I don’t really understand it AND it’s just not something that I want to know. It seems to cloud an already overcast life. My friend meant no harm, of course. It’s something that she’s learning and interested in. So, she’s sharing that with me. I can’t help but be affected by it though. Should I talk to my significant other? If I do talk to him, am I just implanting the ideas of ending a relationship with me? Am I being crazy? Now, I have this little voice in my head going, “it’s not going to work out. You’re wasting both of your time. This, too, will end in heartbreak.” Part of me says, ignore it. You make your own life, but the other part of me says, “you’re ignoring the signs we’re trying to give you.”

If you’ve made it this far, I’m curious what your unbiased opinion is about tarot cards, readings, and all the different meanings. Should I take a chill pill and forget about all this or delve into some other option?

honestly,

me

Heartbroken

Are you a lover or a fighter? People ask this question all the time. I’ve always responded, “I’m a lover,” but am I not both? A true lover is a fighter because they never give up. The world tries to break you. People try to break you. And most of the time it’s not even personal. Most everyone is just doing what they can to get by and survive. Most people don’t even know what the hell they are doing. But if you truly love with all you have, you fight because you bear the hardest struggles because you care. A world without love is a treacherous place. People without love are sad beings with no hope. We are strong. We are capable.

Not every question has an answer. Not every problem has a solution. Truth isn’t the meaning of life; love is. Don’t get me wrong, I choose an honest life and I think everyone should. Honestly is ALWAYS the best policy. You can’t be your true self unless you can be honest and accept who you really are, even the deepest, darkest parts of yourself. I know, that is an impossibly scary thing for a lot of people. Would I like to have the answer to everything? Yes, of course. Is that necessarily possible in my lifetime or any of ours? Probably not.

Love, at is highest peak, is when someone can look you in the face and say they don’t want you and you still recognize your own self worth. “If there is no enemy within, the enemy outside can do no harm.” I believe this with every ounce of my being. Sure it hurts. Rejection hurts like hell. Many of people’s biggest fears are centered around rejection and being alone. In return, people “break their own hearts” and turn and run so a person can’t leave them. Can’t you see it’s still the same outcome? You’re still alone. Who wants to spend their whole life running so no one leaves you? No one, yet so many people do because of fear. At some point, you have to say, “I am not afraid. My fears do not control me,” and you have to constantly instill that within. We’re only human. The sad truth is that people do walk away, if not because they choose to, because death takes them.

Let me get personal for a moment. My heart was just completely broken. I’ve barely eaten or done anything the past few days. I haven’t been able to let myself even listen to music or write. I have felt so completely lost and just broken and empty. I have cried and tried to pick apart every little thing wrong with me. I have felt worthless and hated myself. I saw my whole life with this person. I looked into his eyes and I felt love without him even having to say it. I thought he was my person. I thought he felt the same, and maybe he did for a short while. I won’t get into the details, but he doesn’t want me or us anymore. I’ve begged and pleaded and did everything that I could think to get him to give me reasons why or change his mind. He mostly shut down and didn’t give me much. He’s not a cruel person. Sure he hasn’t handled things the right way, but he has his own demons (fears) that he’s fighting, and maybe he really thinks he gave me all that he could. I don’t know why he’s choosing to do what he’s doing, but he is. I can’t force him to love me or be with me. I may never understand the why. It sucks feeling so deeply that he and I are perfect for one another and that we could have this incredible life together, but having it all taken away without even a reason that I can comprehend. I can’t change it though. It is what it is.

It hurts, but I can’t just lay down and die. I am capable of a love that I never even imagined. I don’t want to be sad and miserable. I have to tell myself that if I could experience that type of love and it not even be meant for me then imagine how great the love that is meant for me will be. It’s hard to do when I saw everything I wanted in him and more and I still feel that way, but there’s nothing I can do if he still walks away after me pouring my heart out to him. I have to go on and persevere. I am strong. I am smart. I am beautiful. I am worthy. I am capable. I am not afraid to live life to the fullest that I can, even if it’s really hard at this very moment to get up and do so. I don’t know what I want to do with my life, but I know I want to spread kindness and love and never harbor hate in my heart.

I’m struggling. My heart is still so broken. The tears keep falling. I feel stronger today. I hope that I wake up feeling stronger tomorrow and even stronger the next day. Only time will tell, but I’m not giving up. The pain will not control me. The fears will not own me. I am not afraid. I am not afraid. I am not afraid.

honestly,
me

Light the Way

I am in a very contemplative mood tonight. I continue to wonder why people do and say the things they do and say. We truly are complex creatures.

My current playlist consists of James Blunt on shuffle. My room is a complete wreck. The temperature in the room is somewhere around a slightly uncomfortable 78 degrees Fahrenheit. Don’t fret for me; I have a fan working overtime to send slightly cool wisps of air my way.

So, back to these train-wrecked thoughts of mine. Will I ever continue on a flowing stream of uninterrupted happiness and calm? No, probably not. Change is the only constant and it is anything but a continuous, calm path. I have to continue to remind myself of this.

I have had so many lovely and wonderful ups lately. They are mostly thanks to a wonderful individual that I sometimes feel as if I’ve known my whole life. However, he is this uncharted region that I very much want to explore, but the thoughts of the unknown terrify me. I am speaking on an assumption, but I feel that it is quite rare to meet someone with whom your soul seems to completely align with. It’s like you’re standing out in the night staring up at the same moon, while you hold the same book in each of your hands. You’re reading the same lines of the book simultaneously from afar and completely unaware that you are doing so until you share with one another. It’s a very rare book that only the two of you seem to know. That’s crazy, right?! It’s crazy wonderful and crazy scary. They say love knows no age. Maybe it knows no time either. I’m going to say it. I might possibly be falling in love with this guy. Of course, that’s our little secret here. You’ll get to witness my heartbreak now if all goes to hell in a hand-basket.

Seriously though, I’m the happiest that I have been since I don’t know when. I have made myself vulnerable and demolished most all of my walls. In a way, I have given him the key to me and said, “take a look around, make yourself at home.” Of course, I’m fearful of the potential havoc he could wreak. One of my biggest fears is being deceived. I have these thoughts of “if it seems too good to be true, then it probably is.” It’s hard to shut those thoughts out. I continue to try though. Do what makes you happy until it doesn’t.

I tell myself myself, “look how far you have already come; look at the things you have dealt with. Look at you! You continue to survive!” It’s true. I’ve been broken down so many times and each time seems to get progressively worse. There have been moments when I felt that was all there was. I wasn’t going to make it out alive this time. I was finally going to be destroyed once and for all, yet here I am. I persevered. I will continue to do so. I can be shattered into millions of pieces, but guess what? I will put myself back together. It’s this special power I have. I don’t always see and understand this in those moments of heartache, but in the end, I always stand back up.

In the meantime, I have to continue to grow for myself. I have to continue to strive for a happy and good life. I still think it’s unhealthy to rest the weight of your happiness on another’s shoulders. Everyone has their own struggles and sometimes, those alone, are too much to bear. There’s is nothing wrong with letting another become the light that brightens your day, but develop your own light. Even the Sun can’t shine in a single place for all of time. You have to be capable of lighting your own way. I am still learning this and trying oh so hard to implement it into action. It’s a struggle.

There are lots of changes that my future is about to take. There are lots of decisions that need to be made. I hope dearly that I make the ones that are right for me. How do I know what the right decision is? I don’t, necessarily. I’m trying to balance my heart and mind and not let too much of one take over. It’s a process. I guess the only thing I can do is to do what I feel is right and is also feasible. I have to stay true to myself and not let my judgement become clouded from fear. Fear will not run my life. I want a life based on love and happiness and spreading those things. Fear just gets in the way.

Here’s to the unknown and the adventures life takes us on.

honestly,
me

I Have to Trust Myself

I have been on an emotional rollercoaster lately. I feel like I am becoming the woman that the little girl me would have been proud of. I don’t have the job and life accomplishments per se, but I am gaining this sense of self like I’ve never had before. I am becoming comfortable in my own skin. I feel like I no longer have to try and fit in with “the crowd” simply to not be alone. Today was a perfect example of me standing on my own. I felt a little alienated from a group of friends. I tried to strike up conversation, but no one seemed to bite the bait and run with it. It really upset me. We did a benefit walk and were walking alongside each other and I was upset. I decided to pick up the pace and actually be by myself. I walked alone. I “inhaled love and exhaled hate” a few times. I recognized why I was there. I was there for a cause. It wasn’t for the friends. I didn’t need them to complete my mission. I didn’t feel anxiety. I was still a little upset, but I felt proud as I held my head high and walked alone. It seems really simply and miniscule, but it can be applied to much bigger things.

Of course, I second guess myself still. However, at the end of the day, I try to tell myself that I am exactly where I need to be. There is no other path I should be on. No matter how good or bad, this is the EXACT moment that I am supposed to be in. It is making me a better person. It really resonates with and calms me. I am learning every day. I may not want a “test” to be thrown my way. Those “tests” make knock me on my ass, but as long as I recognize them and not ignore them, then I am succeeding.

I have had so much anxiety about a very near event in my life. I have been worrying and stressing. I have been crying. I have been writing. I have been begging and pleading to whomever might be “out there.” What it really comes down to is that whatever is meant to happen is going to happen. I cannot control the situation. I cannot try to manipulate the outcome. All I can do is be true to who I am, be comfortable with that truth, and have peace because of it. Things are how they are. I don’t have to justify myself. I don’t have to defend myself. I also don’t have to let someone make me feel bad because of decisions I have made or things that have happened to me, good or bad. People can choose to come and stay in my life or they can choose to leave. I will not lose myself because they choose to leave. I am just as much me before them and during them as I will be after. When they leave, they don’t take my character or integrity.

I read something once that said, “if there is no enemy within, the enemy beyond can do no harm.” If I have true peace within myself, the outside world cannot disrupt that. I have to trust myself and my judgement. I am good. I want to do good. When you truly accept yourself, you no longer need the acceptance of others to validate you. It’s a very empowering and peaceful feeling. I am realizing these things tonight and I am trusting my own intuition.

honestly,
me

Struggling

My eyes are like a leaky faucet that I can’t seem to fix today. I got back home yesterday from visiting with family. I had a conversation with my friend on the way home and was so pumped about the ways I am trying to change my life for the better. Most of those ways start mentally and by changing my way of thinking to a more positive one. I preached and preached how I was different now. I was going to be able to get my life in order, so to speak, because now I had the positive mentality behind it. I told her that I knew I would still have bad days and times where I fell backward, but now I recognized those times and I would persevere.

Today is a hard day. Why, you might ask. I simply woke up this way. I know I made another post similar to this just days ago, but here I am again. It is so hard. I have tears streaming down my face and I’m so frustrated. It’s so simple, right? Just be better. Get up and do something. Make yourself feel better. I preach these same things to other people in the same situation, but here I am and it’s not so easy. I know it’s mental. I recognize the situation. I am also so drained mentally and physically today.

I’m running through a list in my head of things that I could be doing: updating my resume and putting it online, organizing my room, and the list goes on for days. I could update my resume without even getting out of bed. So, why is it so hard? I don’t have the answer to that question and I am so frustrated. I tried writing in my journal (I’m trying to utilize it more instead of typing in a private one on the computer), but I didn’t have much to say. I started reading my current self-help book, but then I decided I was going to come here and write about my frustrations. I don’t want to only post the positive highs here and leave out my lows. It wouldn’t be genuine. I want you to know that I fail too. Just because you think you have a foolproof idea doesn’t mean there aren’t holes in it. Part of life is making mistakes and being able to own up to them. Part of life is being able to admit your failures, or at least recognize them and move forward.

Sometimes you recognize all you have to be thankful for in life. I don’t want to lay here and be upset today. I know my life could be so much worse, but I can’t seem to find the energy today. I think more than anything, I’m just frustrated with myself because the concept of just choosing to do something and be happy seems so simple. Just do. And I can’t seem to do it.

This is where I am at this point in my day. I plan to read some more in my book and then I’m not sure after that. I’m hoping that I will have some positivity to add later, even if it’s a simple, I persevered. If you’ve had some of the same struggles and have any advice that helped you, I’m open to suggestions. I know everyone takes information in differently and different things work for different people, but it could be helpful.

honestly,
me

Keep Fighting

I wonder why some days are a struggle as soon as you wake in the morning, before you even open your eyes. I suppose it could have to do greatly with your subconscious… the dreams you had while sleeping even if you don’t recall them. It’s so frustrating though when you’ve been doing really good and focusing on positivity. Then you wake and have to start the day fighting before your feet even hit the ground.

I tell myself it’s all mental. It’s just a test to see if I can hold on or if I’m going to fall back into the hole and have to start my climb out all over again. There are days like today when I recognize these things and I have the strength to continue fighting, to lift my head and say, I will prevail. But what do I do on the days where I wake and the fight is too much, when I feel like I’m fighting an endless battle with no sign of peace?

It’s easy for me to say that I will keep fighting, but I know how it feels to be in that moment and not want to even get out of the bed. You don’t care anymore. It all seems pointless. I also know that those moments pass. I have to make an effort every day to reflect on the moments and find the good in them and let go of the bad. Not only that, but I have to reflect on where I’m at in life and what I’m thankful for, even if it’s not where I want to be. And on those days when the fight is too much, I HAVE to continue to do those things even if I don’t want to, even if I see no point. It is most critical then. I am hoping that by creating positive habits, they will eventually become effortless and part of every day life.

Steel is forged in fire. It all comes down to what you’re made of. It’s not the situation or circumstance that defines you. It’s what you’re made of that says how you will define the situation. Don’t let the world burn you. Let it mold you into something better.

honestly,
me

Hello world!

As I stare at this blank screen, while lounging in sweats, I wonder what I should tell you about myself. I glance out the glass doors to a dimly lit grassy incline as the TV drones on in the background mixed with my Dad’s snoring. I’ve attempted so many blogs for various reasons, but I never seem to stick with them. I want this one to be different. I want this to be a place that I can be honest with myself and anyone who reads. That means things might not always be pretty. It also means that I’m opening myself up to criticism from complete strangers. People can be cruel and I wonder if opening myself up like this is a smart idea especially when I am constantly changing every minute of every day. Nevertheless, I’m doing it.

This blog is going to be a mix of everything from poetry to photographs to a basic journal of my life. I am currently reading a book titled, Change Your Thinking, Change Your Life by Brian Tracy. I am only a few chapters in, but man is it powerful! I have been going through a lot of emotional turmoil recently because of everything from failed relationships to being unemployed. I have felt more hopeless lately than I ever remember feeling in my life. It blows my mind how much my own thoughts can impact my world. Just because you’re presented with an unfortunate or unwanted circumstance, that doesn’t mean you have to let it ruin your day, month, or life. I’ll be the first to admit that my emotions usually rule my life. They dictate how my day goes and how well I sleep at night or not. It impacts the way I treat others. Recently, those things have been impacted negatively and I don’t like it. I don’t like who I am when I let my emotions rule me. Instead of wallowing in bed going unshowered for days, I’m tryinug to make an actual effort to change my life for the better. It may seem like I’m raving for this book, but that’s not the case. I had been making an unconscious effort to block the negativity from my life. I was laying in bed last night and couldn’t sleep. I had this book on my phone and the title caught my attention so I started reading. It’s like you’ve been on a road for miles and miles feeling like you’re going in the right direction but not completely sure, and then you see a sign that tells you you’re on the right path. I’ll keep you updated on my thoughts of the book and, of course, my progress.

I must also state that I really need to work on my personal relationships, family being a big one. I seem to shut them out because I don’t want them to worry about me and I can come off in a very negative way. I don’t want there to be tension with the most important people in my life and I, but surprisingly those are my hardest relationships. I am going to make them a priority to repair.

I am also trying to stop mindless gossip and being judgemental even in playful ways. I never want to hurt someone. I never want someone to feel less because of something I said or did. I know I can’t please everyone, but I don’t want to intentionally bring harm when I can help it. I have been at the wrong end of gossip and it really hurts and is extremely uncomfortable. Every single person on this planet has their own struggles. It’s time we start helping one another stand as opposed to knocking each other down.

This may seem a little heavy for a first, ‘Hello world!’, post but this is what’s on my mind. So, here’s some background information about me:

  • College graduate –> BAB in International Business
  • Currently unemployed for like 1.5 months (Ahh! I have no idea what I am doing or what I want to do)
  • I love nature and almost all bodies of water (ocean being my fave)
  • I write poetry (An English teacher would probably slash through my writings with lots of red ink)
  • I like taking pictures
  • Writing and reading are huge hobbies of mine
  • Besides the book previously stated, I’m also reading the Stephanie Plum series
  • I’m terrified of snakes and storms, but enjoy a peaceful rain
  • Country music will always be my fave even though I dabble in almost all genres
  • I would love to travel the world and see as much as possible
  • Costa Rica is the only other country I’ve been to besides the USA
  • I really want more GENUINE friendships. That area of my life is really lacking. If you would like to help me change that then please, by all means. I just ask you be real and honest. I’ll do the same.
  • I am shy and socially awkward
  • I think this world needs more love and kindness

If there’s anything else you would like to know, then please feel free to ask. I’ll answer anything I feel comfortable with. Join me in trying to make this a happier, better world filled with kindness and love.

honestly,
me